


Vermont

by SilverRaven33



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: College Years, M/M, friends' first road trip, yes it's a they have to share one bed trope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-05-15 02:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 40,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14782310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverRaven33/pseuds/SilverRaven33
Summary: When they were kids, Cory had promised to take Shawn to Vermont to see the leaves change if Shawn graduated high school. But does what happens in Vermont stay in Vermont?Yes, this is a Shawn and Cory romance, don't like the idea, keep scrolling. But this is my first finished fanfiction and I'm pretty proud of it.  Hope you enjoy! (Knowledge of the overall story of Boy Meets World helpful but probably not required). Some racy scenes but nothing too explicit.Of course I don't own any of these characters or rights to them or the show, just love them and have for years. :)





	1. Chapter 1

Shawn tried to watch where his mortarboard was going to land; after working this hard to graduate, he knew it was corny, but he wanted all the reminders of it he could get. He dove for what he was pretty sure was his, almost bowling Stuart Minkus over in the process, and stood back up, clutching it in his hand. He turned around with a huge smile on his face to share the joy of the day with his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. He saw them still sitting in their seats, oblivious to the gowns swirling around them as people congratulated each other and moved off stage to find their families.

Cory and Topanga were gazing at each other as only they could do, but this was a new level Shawn hadn't seen before. Cory looked slightly shocked, and Topanga's eyes were shining and triumphant. Shawn had the distinct feeling he'd missed something, and on today, of all days, that simply would not do.  
"Hey guys, what's up?" he asked as he stepped closer to them. It took Cory a second to turn from Topanga, a second that dragged agonizingly to Shawn. In the midst of the celebratory atmosphere, he had an unsettling sense of doom.

"Topanga just asked me to...We're engaged Shawnie!" Cory blurted out, his face lit up like a Christmas tree. Shawn's breath left his body, and he ignored the sensation of his heart dropping through the floorboards as his face lit up too and he spread his arms wide to hug his best friend.

"That's great!" he exclaimed as Cory stood up to receive the hug. The two young men wrapped their arms around each other and held each other close for a few seconds. In Shawn's experience, Cory gave the best hugs, and he figured he got it from his dad; the Matthews were a warm, loving family. Not that they didn't have their disagreements, but at the end of the day, they usually had resolved their differences and shared a good hug or two. Shawn's dad hugged him occassionally, but it was more of the one armed, to the side masculine hugs, the ones you gave when you did care, but you were self concious about showing affection. Cory had none of those self concious hang ups to hide, at least not with Shawn. They'd been friends for too long, and Shawn secretly soaked up all the affection he could get from Cory. Ever since they were very young, they had been physically closer than most best buds might be; it was not uncommon for them to literally lean on each other if that's what one or both of them needed.

They broke the hug right before Shawn expected Topanga to announce, "Stop it! You're boys!", like she had on more than one occasion previously, and Shawn turned to embrace her as well. Couldn't leave her out; she was his best friend's girl, and by extension one of Shawn's best friends as well. They might not see eye to eye on everything, certainly, but that was hardly to be expected, and as much as she made Cory's neuroticism worse, Shawn couldn't imagine not having her around or her being in Cory's life. 

"Congratulations, guys," Shawn told them, a big smile still plastered on his face, and he sincerely meant it. He'd known it was a matter of time; the two were clearly meant to be together. Cory had been so miserable the times that they had broken up, prompting Shawn to do everything in his power to reunite them. It was almost as if their relationship represented stability to Shawn, more stability than he had in many other areas of his life. Now Cory would have her forever, and they could leave any drama behind them. Shawn was thankful for the things he could count on.

"Thanks man," Cory said, smiling warmly at him, "Let's keep it on the down low for a little bit, though, ok?" He glanced at his parents moving towards the stage and Topanga's slightly crestfallen look. "We just graduated right?! We did it!"

"Yes, you did," Mr. Feeny's voice came over their shoulders, and Shawn felt his teacher's hand on his shoulder. He turned to welcome him into their circle, wondering when he'd gotten taller than the older man. "I'm so proud of all three of you," Mr. Feeny told them, his proper accent almost catching on the words, and Shawn knew he saw an affection in his eyes for them, as much as Mr. Feeny would always deny it. The trio thanked him, and then it was more than time to move off the stage and accept their congratulations from the Matthews and Topanga's parents.

Shawn was rather shocked to see that Chet had showed up. Maybe he shouldn't have been; after all, this was his one and only high school graduation. But he'd gotten so used to his father not being there, he'd been happy enough to be greeted and hugged by the Matthews. Chet was there though, behind Cory's parents, ready to actually give him a two armed hug, one that only lasted a split second of course, but it counted, right? Shawn could tell his father was genuinely proud of him, and that meant more to him than he'd ever let on, except maybe to his best friend at some point later in life.

He had thought that that summer, their first one out of high school, would be different, but he hadn't counted on just how different. Cory immediately started working at the old job that Shawn had when he was sixteen, unloading down at the docks, so he wasn't around as much as Shawn or Topanga could have hoped. It was hard to tell which one this bothered more. But Topaga was kept busy sorting through her college acceptance letters, while Shawn also got a part time job. Twenty hours a week at the mall selling clothes wasn't glamourous but it got him out of the trailer while still leaving him enough time to write and think about what he wanted to do about college. He'd applied to a few, the same ones Cory had of course, but he didn't have high hopes. Even if he got in, he wasn't sure he wanted to go. He hated school. The only subjects that had ever really interested him were psychology and English lit. Hard to get a career in either of those fields without a doctorate, which Shawn knew he didn't feel up to.

When Cory was available and not exhausted from work, Topanga understandably demanded a lot of his time. They needed to talk about their future, and were they going to the same school, and when were they going to get married, and when were they going to tell their families they were engaged? Shawn admitted to himself for the first time that he was jealous of Topanga and the time she was able to get from Cory. It had seemed until now, Shawn had come first in Cory's life, and while he'd known Topanga was hugely important to him and he would never dispute her place, it had never seemed like a competition between them for Cory. Maybe that was why when Cory decided that he was going to Pennbrook, Shawn willingly said he would go too. It was one of only three schools Shawn had been accepted to, mercifully. He hadn't let himself think about what he would have done if he didn't at least have the option of spending his college years, if he was going to have them at all, with Cory. Maybe after the summer things could return to normal.

 

When Topanga announced that she had been accepted into Yale, Cory took it hard, even though she hadn't said that she was going. In his unwillingness to sway her decision, he began to spend a bit more time with Shawn again, even though his friend did not know how to offer advice on this one. Shawn would just take what time he could get with his best friend. He even got to come over to the Matthews for a now-rare game of one-on-one hoops one weekend evening. They sat down on the driveway, panting, after Shawn had solidly whooped Cory's butt. Even with Cory's growing muscles from unloading freight, Shawn was still quicker on his feet.

"Whew," breathed Cory, "We should do this more often."

"Maybe we could if you weren't working so much," Shawn teased.

"Gotta make that money," Cory returned.

"Yeah, I guess," said Shawn, "but you don't have to be working all the time, do ya?"

"There's things I want to do with that money," Cory said, with a discreet sidelong glance at Shawn. "And if Topanga and I are going to get married, I need to prove I can take care of her." Shawn had to acknowledge this. Did his friend have to grow into such a responsible man overnight though? "Although I think she's more concerned about school all of a sudden than me," Cory added, with just a hint of a whine. Shawn felt for him.

"Sorta makes sense, Cor," Shawn told him with a shrug. "It's a big decision."

"I know. If she goes, I'll be happy for her, but I'll miss the hell out of her," Cory lamented to Shawn. "If she doesn't go, I'll be happy for me but miserable for her."

"What do you think she's going to do?" Shawn asked him. He himself didn't know what to think or hope for. He couldn't see Topanga passing up an opportunity like this normally, but he could see her doing it for Cory. She was a sensible girl, except when it came to him. Shawn supposed that was the way love was. As much as the selfish part of him would love to have Cory all to himself once they got to college, he also wanted things to stay the same, and having Topanga gone would be just too weird.

"I think she's going to go," Cory said quietly, staring at his untied sneaker. The two sat with their backs up against the brick wall that bordered the Matthews' driveway on one side. The mid July sun was low in the sky, still sharing most of its heat. The pavement was warm but not unpleasantly so.

"No way," Shawn returned. "She can't bear to be away from you." He was about to reference when they were sixteen and she ran away from her parents to be with Cory, but then Cory said, "I want her to go." Shawn almost couldn't believe his friend had just said that.

"But you adore each other," he said, "I think you might die being apart for that long." He was only partly joking.

"Don't remind me," Cory said soberly. He stared off into the distance across the neighbors' front yards. "But it's what's best. I mean, it's Yale. She'll regret it forever if she doesn't do it."

"I'm still not so sure she will." Shawn shook his head. He didn't want to lead Cory into a false sense of security, but he just couldn't see them apart for that long.

"Maybe you're right, Shawnie," Cory smiled and threw an arm around Shawn's shoulders, accepting the comforting thought. "At least no matter what happens, I still got you."

"You always got me, Babe," Shawn told him affectionately, his heart warmed by the sentiment. Either way things went with Topanga, there would always be Cory and Shawn, Shawn and Cory. 

 

In the end, Shawn was right. Topanaga chose to stay with Cory and go to Pennbrook over going to Yale University. When Cory shared the news with Shawn, Shawn told himself that the fleeting burst of annoyance he felt was in sympathy over how Cory would feel like she wasn't living up to her potential because of him. It did throw Cory into a spiral of doubt, and he questioned Topanga on if she was sure of her decision until she got annoyed. Shawn gently withdrew from most of their hanging out for the rest of the summer, wanting to give them space to spend together. They invited him along often enough, but since a lot of their talk, now that the school thing was settled, was about when they might get married and what they wanted their wedding to look like, he felt rather out of place. Things were shifting, Shawn could feel it, and he found himself almost wishing for September for the familarity of school.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of summer went by all too quick, as it always does, and before they knew it, the boys had to quit their jobs, and pack their bags. The by-now familiar sense of loss of time and innocence was heightened by the fact that this was college they were starting; this was a whole new ballgame. Excited as Cory was for all three of them, none of them could completely shake the seriousness of the situation. Of course Cory and Shawn would be sharing a dorm room. Topanga would be bunking with Angela; the two had become close friends in the latter part of high school.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay with Angela being around so much?" Cory asked Shawn as they unpacked their stuff. The girls had just visited from across the hall and there had been the usual awkwardness between Shawn and Angela, the way things had been since they had decided to take a break, or rather Angela had. 

"Yeah," Shawn said thoughtfully, with only a slight pause. He'd done a decent job of not thinking about her all summer, except when he wanted the fuel for his writing. Now that he was going to be seeing her so much more, he had to admit it might get difficult. He did miss her, and he still saw where they could make a good couple, but it didn't matter if she didn't see the same thing. They would never be Cory and Topanga, and Shawn sometimes wondered if he used their relationship as an unrealistic ruler; no pair could ever be as close as they were. He could feel Cory looking at him in concern, so Shawn lobbed a shirt at him to lighten the mood.

"Besides, college girls, right?" Shawn said with one of his signature smirks. Cory relaxed a bit into a smile.

"Yeah," he agreed, "A whole new crop for you to harvest, Shawnie." Shawn thought he heard hesitation in his friend's tone, and he wondered if Cory saw through his half facade or if he felt just a little sorry for himself that he couldn't partake of the harvest himself, being engaged now and all.

Shawn had been less than excited about going to school for longer than he was legally required, but now that he was at college and in classes, he discovered he didn't hate it. He'd enrolled in every literature and writing class he was eligible for, and while he had a difficult time at first being told what to write about, he saw very early how much he stood to learn. He watched Cory take a broader mix of subjects, and he slowly began to wonder where they would all end up in a few years. Two years ago Shawn would not have guessed that he'd be in college, and it made him wonder where else life might take him and his friends that he couldn't see now. He channeled a lot into his writing, almost never being seen without a notebook open on his lap, chewing on his pen, and staring off into nothing. 

They all mostly survived their first month, but they were looking forward to the first long weekend that was coming the second week in October. Shawn planned on holing himself up in the dorms, enjoying the time alone to work (was this Shawn Hunter talking?!), assuming Cory would be going back to the Matthews for a visit home. They were close enough that he could go home any weekend, but he hadn't yet and Shawn was sure he missed it. So he wasn't prepared for Cory coming back to their room one evening midweek and exhibiting an excitement that bordered on giddy.

"Okay," he announced as soon he shut the door, "Everything's all set. Just make sure you have a bag packed." Shawn looked up at him from where he was lounging on his bed, a bemused expression on his face. Had school cracked Cory this soon and he was running away and wanted to take Shawn too?   
"I'm fine right here," Shawn said gently. "Are you, Cor?" 

"No! You're not fine! We have a road trip to take! I've been tracking it and the leaves should be about at their peak up there," Cory said with satisfaction. Was that a twinkle in his eye, thought Shawn.

"The leaves...?" Shawn said slowly. "Up there?" 

"In Vermont!" Cory practically exploded. Shawn had rarely seen Cory this excited about anything. Vermont...did he mean...? 

"Vermont?" Shawn said out loud. 

"I promised you, didn't I?" Cory said expectantly. "Don't you remember?" Shawn's face broke into an incredulous smile. Of course he remembered.

"Cor, that was years ago. We were little kids." 

"But I promised you," Cory said staidly. "I promised you if you graduated high school I'd take you to see the leaves in Vermont. Not only did you graduate but you got into college. I kept my promise on the same college. I'm keeping this one too. And we have a long weekend perfectly in the middle of peak leaf color!"

"You're serious?" Shawn checked. They couldn't have been more than nine, sitting in Cory and Eric's treehouse, talking about the future in the grand way that only nine-year-olds can. Back then Cory wanted to be a professional baseball player, Shawn a professional blackjack dealer in Vegas. Even though neither of these careers required higher education, Cory was ever the sensible one and made Shawn promise to go through with school and that if he did, they would go to the same college.

Shawn was unable to conceive of a time when the two wouldn't be together anyway, so he cast around for a more solid promise, something Cory wouldn't expect but that might be attainable. The first thing that popped into his mind was the travel show he'd seen on PBS recently that showcased good road trips. He'd been amazed by the colors the leaves changed in the hills of Vermont, the sweeping vistas they'd shown. The leaves around the trailer park and school changed, sure, but not in the explosion of color that he saw on the TV. He was attracted to how pristine it looked, though he couldn't have articulated that then. 

"And you'll take me to Vermont to see the leaves change color," nine-year-old Shawn added.

Cory looked confused for only a second, then simply said, "Okay." He was already used to letting Shawn have his way, and he didn't ask for much. 

Shawn had almost forgotten these promises. Almost. He had brought them up during an argument in their last year of high school about colleges, when he thought Cory might be looking at going to a school he couldn't get into. He hadn't thought about them in years, but when the thought of separating from Cory came up, they came back in a flash. When Shawn had mentioned Vermont that day after English class, more trying to lighten the mood than anything, Cory had almost been dismissive, telling Shawn to write it down. The real issue had been college though, and it had ended up with Cory and Shawn trying to hang out with new people, and almost breaking up. Shawn didn't like remembering that time.

"Of course I'm serious," Cory said now. "Unless you don't want to go anymore...but that's why I was working so much this summer, to save up for it. I've been planning this awhile..." he trailed off, his smile beginning to fade. 

"Of course I want to go!" said Shawn. It was all he could do not to throw himself at Cory and crush him in a hug. The memory of the promises made and the simplicity of that time collided with the fact that Cory cared so much about him that he had secretly been planning a trip for him and working hard to pay for it. Shawn couldn't let that smile fade from Cory's face. "When we leaving?" 

"Before first light Saturday morning," Cory said happily. Shawn suppressed a groan. It would be worth getting up that early.

 

  
Friday night Shawn watched Cory and Topanga say goodnight to each other, for once feeling generous because he was going to get Cory to himself for the next three days.   
"You can still go home," Cory was telling her. "You'll just have to take the train." Cory was the only one among them with a car; a result of how hard he was willing to work and parents that allowed him to make payments to them on their older vehicle.

"Maybe," Topanga said. "It won't be the same without you though." She was close to the verge of whining, but then brightened when she glanced at Shawn. "I want you guys to have a nice trip though. It'll be good for you to get some guy time." She really was too generous, thought Shawn; most girls would not be okay with their boyfriends leaving them to fend for themselves on the first long weekend of school. Cory was lucky to have her, and the kiss that they shared in parting showed that he knew it.

As promised, Cory's alarm went off at four o'clock in the morning, and he promptly jumped out of his bed and into Shawn's, onto Shawn himself. He shook his friend sturdily, making sure there was no way he could avoid waking up. Never one to rise early by choice (he had made sure he didn't have any early classes), Shawn opened one eye to see Cory peering down into his face, for all the world like a puppy that was ready to go outside and play. Shawn sighed and smiled.

"You're lucky I love ya, Cor," he told him as he attempted to open his other eye. He hoped Cory knew how much he meant that. Shawn, reluctant as he was to wake up, felt so fortunate that he had a friend that was this excited to take him on a road trip they'd agreed on when they were children. If that wasn't friendship, Shawn didn't know what was. 

"Wakey, wakey," Cory said cheerfully, and climbed off of Shawn, coming too close to accidentally kneeing him in the groin for comfort. Shawn shook his head and began to slide out of bed. 

Within an hour they were on the road, in Cory's sensible Taurus, the sky just lightening to shades of blue grey over the city behind them. It was a six hour drive to Vermont. As it became more light out and the sun came up, conversation was off and on, the need to fill the silence never having existed between the two. They were far too comfortable with each other to make spending hours in a car together bothersome. Shawn loved the open highway, a trait that he inherited from his father, and Cory was enjoying being in charge of his first road trip. They tried to leave thoughts of schoolwork behind, but some leaked into their conversation anyway; looming tests and essays, how different college was from high school, the classes and professors they liked and hated.

Shawn shared how much he was really enjoying most of his classes, and Cory told him how proud he was of him for giving college a fair try and for doing so well. It was times like this that Cory felt like far more than a friend to Shawn; part brother, part father even, maybe even a little bit of part mother. With his family and its legacy being what it was, he hadn't had a lot of steady support and encouragement as he'd been growing up. It occurred to him, not for the first time, that Cory had been in his life and been there for him almost more than anyone else. And he always had Shawn's back. Always. No matter what they had gone through so far, or the trouble they (Shawn) had gotten in, Cory had stood up for him and in many cases, brought him back from the brink of the unreachable. All Cory had to do was stand in his way and say no, and Shawn listened. Even with Mr. Feeny and Mr. Turner he'd have to consider their commands first.

Cory just had a way about him. He balanced Shawn, and Shawn wondered often where he'd be without his curly haired friend. Cory hadn't been able to understand why Shawn had never abandoned him for a cooler crowd in high school; he could have had his pick of friends, from Cory's perspective. And maybe he could have, but it all would have been surface with no real bonds. Shawn was too much of an outsider to feel he belonged with any of the cliques. Cory had never cared where he came from, or that his home was on wheels, or that he often wore the same clothes to school three days in a row. Cory wanted him, the way he was, and that's more than Shawn felt he had been able to say about anybody else in his life.


	3. Chapter 3

As they got off the interstate and onto a county route in southern Vermont, the two young men couldn't help but marvel at the expanse of trees they were surrounded by. They'd seen open land from the highway, but being closer to it now made it more real. They were suburban kids, who'd spent more time in the city than the wilderness, and Shawn had never been actually camping. He started to think he'd like to someday. 

Cory and Shawn decided a late breakfast was a good place to start, so they found a small town diner and had the best pancakes of their lives. The maple syrup was made locally, and the waitress was a pretty young blonde that couldn't decide which one of them to flirt with more. Cory asked her where some of the best viewing of the foliage was nearby.

"Around here you're going to want to head to Green Mountain. It's only a half hour away. Where you guys from?" She was all light pink lipstick and soft spokeness. 

"Philly," Cory told her.

"Oh, long way from home, huh? Don't be getting lost in the woods up here, city boys," she teased and smiled at Shawn. 

"We'll see," he replied with a gentle grin back at her. "What I've already seen is so beautiful maybe I want to get lost." The waitress blushed just slightly. Flirting came second nature to Shawn; he'd had to develop good people skills if he was going to skate as far as he had in life, and it was gift he'd seemed to have since at least twelve years of age. 

When the girl went to get their bills, Cory asked Shawn, "She's really pretty. Why don't you get her number?" Shawn wrinkled his brow.

"For what? Cor, we're two states away from home. This is a little far for an every weekend trip to see someone." Though, he reflected, the old Shawn Hunter wouldn't have cared. He would have gotten a phone number because he could, and seen if maybe it could lead to a hook up that night. As it turned out anyway, he didn't have to ask. She had written her number on the back of his bill, which she slid shyly across the table to him, blushing again, and not able to meet his eyes. Jenny, her name was, and she was so different from the bold girls that Shawn was attracted to back home. Cory raised his eyebrows and smirked when he saw the slip of paper.

"My Shawnie's still got it," he encouraged as they got up from their table. Shawn swatted him on the arm playfully. He had to admit that it did make him feel good, to be able to garner attention from a pretty little thing without even really trying. Maybe he was ready to get back in the game.

Cory suggested they check into the hotel next, which he said was actually a privately owned inn, so they could drop their stuff off and have a home base to start from. It was a quaint two story light blue house with a small sign out front and a stone driveway, the kind of place Shawn had never been in before. It was run by an older husband and wife, both of whom greeted them at the desk, which was more of a kitchen island. This was almost too New England for Shawn to bear. Cory was in his element.

"Good afternoon, I have a room booked and I'd like to check in," he announced. The wife stepped forward in her flowered dress and gave them a grandmotherly smile.

"Welcome, you must be Cory," she replied. Her gaze flicked to Shawn, and then back to Cory. "One room?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am," Cory verified. There was an almost imperceptible pause, then she asked what brought them to the area. "The leaves," Cory said simply. "We've heard they're beautiful this time of year."

The hostess smiled at the boys, "Oh, and they are. Let's have you sign the paperwork and I'll show you up." The husband, not quite as smiley as his wife but pleasant enough, took care of the verification of payment with Cory, while Shawn stood two steps behind, feeling awkward. He should really offer to pay for some of this, but the truth was almost all of his summer job money had gone to books for school and tuition. Granted, it wasn't his fault that Cory had booked a New England retreat instead of a basic Motel 6. He still felt weird though, as Cory signed over his summer job money.

As they followed the lady up the wide wooden stairway, Shawn whispered, "Cory, how much is this place a night?"

"Don't worry about it," was the reply. "I wanted us to have the true Vermont experience." Cory smiled, and Shawn knew resistance was futile. This was one of those times that Cory had constructed a perfect image in his head, and there would be no deviating from it. Until they saw their room. It was beautiful, to be sure; a large picture window on the outside wall, a cozy armchair under what looked like an antique lamp, deep plush carpet. A private bathroom and then a small desk along the remaining wall. And one bed, queen size, with a pristine white and blue flowered comforter and about eight pillows fluffed up at the head. The frame looked mahoghany and was carved and polished. 

The hostess wished them well, asked if they wanted a wake up call, which they declined, and said to let them know if they needed anything. She withdrew to let the weary travellers rest and regroup, closing the door quietly behind her. Shawn let his bag slip off his shoulder, already feeling Cory's embarrassment. Cory just stood there, his packed backpack still suspended.

"I didn't even think to ask if there were two beds," he started. "I guess I sort of figured for the cost there would naturally be two."

"Cor, I have a feeling this isn't the sort of place two college guys usually come to for a getaway," Shawn explained gently.

"I guess," Cory replied, "But there's no reason they can't, right?" Shawn rolled his eyes at his friend's obliviousness, making sure he couldn't see him. "I'm sorry, man," Cory continued, "It was my mistake. You can have the bed, I'll sleep on the floor."

"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not letting you sleep on the floor. I'm more used to sleeping where I can, you can have the bed." 

"Well, we're here for two nights, each of us can get the bed for one night," Cory said diplomatically.

"Deal," Shawn said. "Now let's get out there." They were fortunate that it was a beautiful October day, and they still had enough daylight left to drive around and appreciate the scenery. It was everything that Shawn could have hoped. The roads were incredibly twisty, with "hidden driveway" signs every hundred yards, so Cory's habit of driving like a grandpa came in handy. Then every once in awhile they'd take a bend in the road and their view would open up to a vista like what Shawn had seen on TV all those years ago. And the towns; Cory and Shawn had never seen so many little cozy towns, one right after another. That day they saw more antique stores and gift shops than they'd thought could exist. 

They found Green Mountain National Park that Jenny had mentioned, but agreed to come back tomorrow, as it was inching towards dusk. Besides, Cory, who had done all of the driving that day, was starting to get tired. Both wanted pizza for dinner and they found a place to get a supreme and a two liter to take back to the room with them. They felt rather out of place and conspicuous bringing the pizza box into the inn with them, but then they saw a young couple doing the same down the hall from them. This made them feel only slightly less uncomfortable.

Passing the two liter of Coke between them, they devoured the pizza, trying not to make a mess of the perfect room. Shawn felt like he was in someone's grandmother's house, and he realized that technically, he was. He laughed out loud at the absurdity. Cory shot him a quizzical look from where he sat on the edge of the bed. Shawn was taking advantage of the armchair.  
"Only the two of us would be in a friggin' bed and breakfast type place in Vermont on a holiday weekend. What wild and crazy guys we are, huh?" Shawn said.

Cory snorted, seeing Shawn's point. "Oh, you know you'd rather be here with me than at some college dorm party with loud music...and booze...and hot girls..." he trailed off. He looked unsure now.

"Well, when you put it like that," Shawn teased. But quickly followed it with, "Nah, this is cool. We'll have plenty of time for all that on all the other weekends of our lives. This weekend is about Cory and Shawn, having guy time in a quaint Vermont town. There's nowhere else I'd rather be." And he lifted the remainder of the soda bottle in a toast before sipping on it and passing it to Cory, who laughed, took a swig, and then sobered.

"At least you have all the other weekends of your life to go to parties and have fun," he told Shawn now. "I'm kind of engaged - those days are over for me." Shawn tilted his head at him.

"I wouldn't say that, Cor," he said. "I mean, the hot girls might be off limits, but I'm sure you can hit up some parties here and there. Your college career just started."

"I know," Cory shared somberly. "And that's just it; after what happened with Lauren, I don't think Topanga wants me out of her sight when there's other girls around. Not that I can blame her." 

"If she can't trust you..." Shawn started. "Cor, are you happy being engaged to her?" He dropped the question that he hated to ask. Cory was quiet a moment.

"I don't know," he finally answered, and his guilt at this admission hung on his face. "I mean, I'm happy to be with her," he quickly followed this with. "I can't imagine ever being with anybody else. But...marriage...that's really real, ya know?"

"Yeah," Shawn said sympathetically, his black brows knitting together. "You haven't told your parents yet, have you?" Cory shook his head.

"I should want to, shouldn't I? I should want to shout it from the rooftops. I think maybe it's just that we're so young. It's one thing to want to be together forever, it's another thing to want to jump into marriage, you know what I mean?" As Shawn could not conceive of the thought of binding himself to another person in a way that marrying them would demand, he dared to say he did see what Cory meant.

"You going to share this with Topanga?" Shawn asked, feeling like he already knew the answer. 

"No," Cory answered promptly. "We'll just have the engagement that never ends. I've got it all figured out." 

"And what if she tells your parents this weekend while we're gone?" Shawn asked. Cory's immediate look of horror made him regret this question instantly. 

"She wouldn't do that. I don't think." Cory looked unsure, but then his expression relaxed. "And if she does, I won't have to worry about it because my parents would drive up here, find me, and kill me." Shawn laughed at Cory's melodrama, and Cory laughed with him.

It felt good to get away from any other influences and share moments like this together. Cory grabbed the remote and flipped the TV on, perusing stations. Shawn flopped back in the armchair, appreciating his full belly and not being home. Before he knew it, he was starting to doze off. He had been up since four in the morning, after all. 

"Why don't you take the bed tonight?" he heard Cory say.

"Nah, Cor, you're the one that drove all day, you need good sleep. Just toss me a few of those million pillows you have." Shawn stretched himself to his feet and shucked off his jeans. He rummaged in his bag for his pair of pj pants and pulled them on as Cory started ridding the bed of pillows. He stopped after three.

"Shawn, I can't let you sleep on the floor," Cory said. "This bed's large enough, just come lay down." He slid his own jeans off and crawled under the covers. "Ohhh," he half sighed and half groaned as he snuggled in. "This is amazing." Shawn hesitated; was this the threshold where things got too weird between friends? But Cory was right, it was a large enough bed, and Shawn knew Cory didn't move much in his sleep.

"You sure Topanga won't be jealous?" Shawn quipped. "Me getting to sleep with you before her?" He got a chuckle out of his friend.

"Technically we slept together back when we were twelve, on the floor of the school," he reminded Shawn. "I'd say it's high time it's your turn."

Shawn, smiling, returned, "Yeah, at least you're treating me to a bed."

"Only the best for my Shawnie."

Shawn turned the TV off on his way to the other side of the room, silencing the local news. He lifted the covers and climbed in, appreciating the comfort as soon as he touched the sheets. This could be the nicest bed he would ever sleep in and he would be stupid to pass it up. He suddenly didn't feel horribly tired, but he hoped that would change when he got settled in. It was just Cory on the other side, they slept in the same room now all the time back home, this wasn't that much different. Shawn tested out a couple of pillows, feeling like a king for having a choice. He ended up with two extra squishy ones, and gave out a sigh when he let himself sink into them.

"Told ya," Cory said over his shoulder with a glance at his friend, then he reached up to switch his bedside lamp off. The room went immediately black, a darkness without street lights leaking into the windows that the boys were not used to. Shawn ignored the voice that told him he used to be scared of the dark. They were in a safe little Vermont town, Cory was here, and bogeymen didn't exist anymore.

"Goodnight, Shawnie," Cory said softly, the lack of light somehow demanding quiet.

"Night, Cor," he returned, and tried to relax, Cory's words "Only the best for my Shawnie" replaying in his mind. He was wishing he'd brought his notebook and a booklight to bed, but then there was something sacred about the blackness that he would have hated to disturb. He pondered that for a bit, hoping he'd remember his thoughts to write down later. Shawn realized he was hugging the very edge of the bed. He took a deep breath and gently shifted his body just a couple inches towards the center. He knew that even if he and Cory woke up inches from each other, morning breath in each other's faces, they would just have a good laugh about it and get on with the day. So why was he nervous?

Shawn dwelled on things that he wouldn't even let himself write about, not yet, and slowly felt his eyes getting heavier. These pillows were horribly comfortable. Cory's light snoring drifted into his ears and the steady rhythm lulled and relaxed him. Shawn was almost always up later than Cory in the dorm, and he'd gotten used to going to sleep to the sound of his snores. He went to sleep tonight with the views of the leaves they'd see tomorrow in his mind's eye.


	4. Chapter 4

Shawn fell into a deeper slumber than what he'd anticipated, so it took him awhile to realize that he was hearing his name. 

"Shawn. Shawnie," Cory was repeating, and Shawn finally turned towards the sound. In a not-quite-half-awake state, he dimly realized he was cold, and blindly reached for the covers he must have pushed off. Cory's hands brought the comforter back up to him, tucking him back in. It was still black in the room, so it wasn't morning yet. Shawn's brow was furrowed and he let out a small uncomfortable groan. 

"What happened?" Cory whispered. "You have a bad dream?" His voice seemed to ground Shawn, and his brow smoothed.

"Don't know," he mumbled, eyes still closed. He didn't want to wake up all the way. Cory was trying to gently rearrange the pillows under his head, and Shawn lifted his head just enough to let him. He let out a sigh when he laid it back down, and rolled back over to his right side, away from Cory but not quite to the edge of the bed again.

"Hush," Cory soothed. "It's all right." Shawn was covered back up with his pillows in place, and he felt safe and comfortable again. Contributing to this was the fact that Cory had not moved away yet, and in fact his hand was on Shawn's shoulder. Shawn considered scooting away, but he didn't want to move and ruin his perfect cocoon. He felt Cory lay back down behind him, close enough to feel his warmth, and then his hand left Shawn's shoulder. 

"Hey Cor?" Shawn muttered.

"Yeah," he answered.

"Can we turn a light on?"

"Yeah," Cory answered, and Shawn felt him shift away to roll over and turn his bedside lamp back on. Shawn groaned again as soon as the light filled the room, and he yanked the covers up over his head to block out most of it. The sheets and comforter being white, it still let about half of it through. He could hear Cory softly chuckle at him, then mercifully the lamp must have had a dimmer switch, because the light became less intense. Cory turned it down as low as it would go and still be on, then rolled back towards Shawn. 

"Is that good, Babe?" he asked, using Shawn's nickname for him. Shawn nodded, his head still under the covers. He didn't want to speak and break whatever spell had befallen, because Cory was settling in next to him, close enough to know he was there, and after gently uncovering Shawn's head, his hand came to rest on Shawn's side. Shawn was more awake now, but still sleepy enough to do things he otherwise might not, so he moved his body back almost imperceptibly towards Cory's. He could feel their legs touching, and the solidness of Cory's upper chest against his back. His heart skipped a couple of beats while he waited for Cory to move away, to roll over, or to ask him what he was doing. Instead Cory brought his arm around to hug Shawn, his hand resting on Shawn's chest, and Shawn's heart skipped one more beat. He could feel Cory's breath on his neck, and as he started to drift back off to sleep, he imagined he felt lips press a kiss to the spot right behind his ear. Shawn slept the rest of that night more soundly than maybe he ever had.

 

A razor thin shaft of sunlight crept through a crack in the curtains and slowly moved its way across Shawn's face. He took his time waking up. He was warm, it was quiet, and he wasn't completely sure what day it was, but he was pretty sure he didn't have class. As his consciousness surfaced, he suddenly remembered where he was: in Vermont, and he realized he couldn't move his leg. Or his arm. Now there was a sound, and that was of light breathing, very close to his own ear. Still not opening his eyes, Shawn thought back to the night before. That's right, he and Cory were in a little bed and breakfast inn, and they had had to share the bed. But how had they ended up...well, cuddling? Shawn didn't want to ask any questions right then, he just laid there and felt the heaviness of Cory's arm draped over his, holding him down, and the weight of Cory's leg wound over his own. Maybe if Shawn never moved this would never have to stop.

Then paranoia reared its ugly head; had he done something foolish during the night? Did Cory even know it was Shawn he was holding, and not Topanga? Who had touched who first, and did Cory just do his usual nice guy thing and not know how to say no? Had Shawn done, or tried to do something, with Cory last night that he didn't want to remember? Now he was fully awake, and he opened his eyes, taking in the sunny room with the flowered wallpaper. He turned his head oh so slowly to his left, towards Cory, not wanting to wake him up but morbidly curious. Yep, that was definitely Cory, he confirmed as brown curls came into the edge of his field of vision. Then he noticed the bedside lamp on Cory's side was on, very low, so that the sunlight beaming through the curtains almost washed it out. That was weird. Shawn remembered it being very dark, pretty much black in there last night. Wait.

It came back to him in hazy pieces; the dream, if you could call it that, of pure blackness, of true nothingness. Where nobody lived and there was nothing to be seen, no ideas even to be had. Shawn, even with all life had thrown at him, had never truly sunk into depression, but he imagined that blackness might be what it felt like. He suddenly had the urge to write, and his body shifted slightly without him, causing him to remember Cory was still on him. He had been there to catch him, again. Had Shawn thrashed in his sleep, waking Cory up? He remembered Cory pulling the blankets back up onto him, so he must have to some degree. Then he had held Shawn, he had turned down the light for him, and he had held him. Shawn had encouraged it, but Cory was the one who came back to lay beside him and didn't move away. Shawn hoped he was remembering it right, but judging by how they were laying at the moment, it made sense. That had to mean that they hadn't moved all night after that. Shawn found that comforting. 

But now he felt the body behind him shift, and Shawn braced himself as best he could for the loss. He felt and heard Cory's breathing rhythm change, and he was hugged tighter for a moment before the grip loosened but the arm didn't retract. 

"Hi," came Cory's voice, just above a whisper, and Shawn perceived a few things at once. Foremost was that Cory, now awake, was not jumping back from him. His simple two letter word made Shawn feel even safer and more comfortable, if that was possible. They really were snuggled up quite close together, close enough that Shawn remembered he only had pj pants on, and Cory only boxers, a fact that was obvious as he felt a slight pressure growing against his hip. And for some reason he couldn't have discerned, Shawn could have wept at that moment. 

"Hi," he said back, instead, hoping his voice wasn't trembling.

"You're comfy," Cory said simply. Only he could make Shawn go from thinking about crying to a chuckle.

"Yeah, you too," he returned. He dared to slide his left arm up and over Cory's side, reaching around his back and pulling Cory in a bit closer to him. This accentuated what was pressing into his hip, and Shawn bit his bottom lip in response to the way his lower belly gently flipped. He felt Cory lean in and nuzzle the back of his hair. Was this really happening, or was Shawn still dreaming?

"We have to get up," Cory said, muffled by Shawn's hair. 

"No," Shawn whined, not caring if he sounded pathetic. He actually felt Cory smile at him before his friend pulled his head back onto his own pillow. This started the slow detaching of each other, and Shawn reluctantly released Cory's body, took his arm back, and began rolling to his left, not sure he wanted to face this yet. He stopped when he was on his back, and turned his head toward his friend's. Cory's hand rested on Shawn's stomach. Shawn briefly considered that it was there to hold the butterflies in, then dismissed that as too girly.

The two young men looked at each other for the first time since the night before. In all the times he had studied Cory, Shawn had never noticed that his warm brown eyes had flecks of hazel. Now they were staring at him with a hint of that goofy grin that meant Cory was hopelessly happy. Actually, Shawn had usually only seen him stare at one other person like that. His brown curls were crushed into the pillow, and Shawn knew they would be stuck to the side of his head when he got up. He had just the slightest patchy shadow of hair along his jaw but his cheeks were smooth, still keeping him baby faced. The corners of Cory's full lips were upturned in the aforementioned hint of a grin. Shawn let himself fantasize for just a moment how it would feel to close the distance between them and press his own lips to those.

"Leaves," Cory said softly, "Hiking. Green Mountain." It seemed as if he was reminding himself just as much as he was Shawn.

"Yeah," Shawn answered, and blinked to attempt to break the spell. Cory gave one last squeeze to his side before he propped himself up and began to rise. Shawn followed suit, hating to leave the bed.

"Ok if I shower first?" Cory asked as reached for his bag. Shawn readily agreed, and flopped back down onto his back. Cory smiled at him and disappeared behind the bathroom door. Shawn remembered something and popped out of bed, grabbed his notebook and pen, and crawled back under the blanket. His pen flew over the page, spilling thoughts out before they fled from his brain. Darkness and nothing, then light and warmth. Cory found him still under the blanket when he came out of the bathroom and left him alone to finish what he knew he needed to do. Shawn looked up, aware that Cory was back in the room, to see him dressed in a hunter green sweater and yesterday's jeans. His curls, now damp, were no longer stuck to the side of his head. Shawn closed his notebook and was now more willing to start the day. 

The shower felt almost as good as the bed, and Shawn lingered longer than he usually did. While washing and conditioning his hair, he deliberated and then decided to get himself off. It wasn't an urgent need, but he knew he would feel better afterwards and maybe it would make this day less awkward. Not for the first time, he imagined Cory watching him while he touched himself, and then he wondered if Cory had done the same while he'd been in here. That thought pushed him over the edge, and he braced his hand against the wall underneath the showerhead, the hot water sluicing over his body as he came. He scrubbed himself down quickly and finished up. He was suddenly hungry and craving more pancakes.

 

They chose a different small town restaurant this morning, but the food was just as good. It was still early enough on a Sunday morning that most of the patrons were older retired gentleman with their coffee and one pair was even playing a game of checkers at a table in the corner. 

"That's gonna be us, you know," Cory said, discreetly nodding towards the players. Shawn glanced over his shoulder to take in the scene, then he tilted his head at his friend and raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think so. I wouldn't be caught dead in that hat. Of course, I could see you in that sweater vest." Cory snorted at him. Shawn was supremely thankful that things did not seem to be weird between them. They had just gotten up and started the day like, well, like normal. He hadn't known what he'd been expecting, if Cory was going to want to talk about what had happened, or if Shawn was going to want to jump him in the car. He'd been a little nervous to start the day. He'd liked waking up like that, but he didn't think he could bear it if it had changed the dynamics of their friendship. But so far everything felt as natural as always. He grinned at his scrambled eggs that he'd gotten to go with his pancakes. 

"What are you so smiley about?" Cory asked him. Shawn was surprised to feel a slight blush rise in his cheeks. He looked across the table.

"We're in Vermont, Cor!" he replied. "This is like, one of the only real vacations I've ever had. A chance to get away without feeling like I'm running from something." Cory beamed back at him. 

"I'm glad," he returned. "You deserve it." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a map they'd picked up of Green Mountain the day before. "So, what trails do you want to try and tackle?"

"Any of them with trees on them should work," Shawn said deadpan as their waitress returned to the table to refresh their coffee. She was a mature lady, not quite older but past middle age. She wore red lipstick and high waisted black jeans and peeked over at the map.

"You boys are going to Green Mountain, eh?" she asked. "Be careful if you get into some of the higher trails. Beautiful sights, some nice waterfalls in there, but the moose are in rut this time of year." Her eyes twinkled at the intrigued and wary look the boys shot her. "Sorry for being so forward, but I can tell you're not locals. You boys seem like you're young and strapping enough to try the harder trails, and I'd hate to see tourists get trampled."

"Thank you," Cory recovered his voice. "We appreciate it." Shawn wasn't sure if he was more confused by the idea of moose running around, being "in rut", whatever that meant, or by being called young and strapping by this woman in the tone of voice she'd used. They shared a look after she'd walked away.

"Waterfalls, huh?" Shawn said.


	5. Chapter 5

In an attempt to be prepared, they stopped at a small general store and stocked up on bottles of water, chips, and granola bars before they headed out. Neither one had done anything like this before, but they had all the confidence of healthy youth. Cory parked the car in a lot and shouldered his backpack of snacks.

"Ready?" he asked as they exited and locked the car.

"Ready," confirmed Shawn. He inhaled the fresh crisp oxygen till he thought his lungs might burst. This was cleaner air than anything back home. Looking around at all the trees, he silently thanked Cory for the dozenth time. It was a perfect sunny October day, with just a hint of a chill. They were two best friends, free from school and on an adventure out of state. Shawn couldn't be happier.

They struck out on the closest trail they saw, having no real plan. Cory at least tried to keep track of where they were on the map, which Shawn was thankful for. He knew if it was left up to him, they'd be lost in the woods in the matter of an hour. He was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to fathom just how far these mountains and hills stretched, geography never really being his strongest subject in school. As they walked, Shawn daydreamed about camping here, being able to write next to the stream they were currently passing, maybe coming up here once or twice a year as a getaway. He knew he would never have the resources to do such things, at least for a long time, but it was nice to dream.

Every bend that they turned gave the boys another breath taking view. As they climbed higher, they started seeing more squirrels and less people. The furry creatures would dart in front of them, then up a tree and perch high up, yelling at the interlopers for interrupting their foraging. Shawn smiled at them. They somehow reminded him of Mr. Feeny.

"It's glorious, isn't it?" Cory said. Shawn nodded in agreement. 

"This might be the most perfect day ever," Shawn told him. "Can we just move here?"

"Sure," Cory said, with a gentle laugh. Shawn let himself continue dreaming, that Cory hadn't had to mean that in a joking way. That they were the only two people in the world that they had to worry about, and they could do whatever they wanted. That they could move up here together, in a little cabin in the woods, or at least have one that they vacationed in from time to time. Even when Cory eventually got married (because no matter what he said, Shawn knew it had to happen at some point), they could have a place up here to escape to together, to be just Cory and Shawn, forever. It wasn't that crazy, Shawn thought. When he started working steadily, he'd put just a few dollars away from every check, and then someday...

"Whoa." Cory, who was walking a couple steps ahead, stopped dead in his tracks, and Shawn, lost in his fantasy, walked right into him. They both stumbled, and Shawn grabbed Cory's belt to keep him from falling completely. They recovered, and stood there, shoulders brushing, staring. In front of them was a cascade of pure white water, about twenty feet high, streaming smoothly over two tiers of boulders, framed by the most vivid colors the autumn forest had to offer. The water hit the surface of and was swallowed by the stream Cory and Shawn had been walking up for some time. The sunshine that made it through the trees overhead dappled the surface of the dancing current. Each previously lost in their own thoughts, the acoustics of their surroundings had faded in their ears, but now the the water rushed over the rocks and the birds filled the air with their myriad calls. Neither could remember the last people they'd seen other than each other, and it felt like they were alone in this vast mountain range.

"Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?" Shawn asked. He wasn't sure why he'd talked quietly. There seemed to be a peace that didn't want to be disturbed. This is what he imagined being in church was supposed to feel like.

"Yeah. Almost," Cory replied, and Shawn realized he could feel Cory looking at him. Shyly, he glanced over to his left to see that he was correct. Their hands, already nearly brushing, found each other and grasped. Shawn was barely breathing. They both abruptly turned back to face the waterfall and study it, their hands still clasped. What was happening? Shawn was sure this went beyond the bounds of just really good friends. He stared at the water, willing the moment to last forever, willing things to stay the same, willing himself to ignore it while his heart and stomach did somersaults. Cory made him feel like the most important person in the world when he looked at him like he just had, and Shawn didn't want that feeling to go away. He also didn't want their friendship to change; he couldn't live without he and Cory had. But he also didn't want to let go of his hand.

Shawn decided he had to move, he couldn't just stand there worrying and thinking. He took a step foward, not quite releasing Cory's hand but loosening his grip. He felt his hand gripped tighter in response as his arm stretched out. He looked back over his shoulder. Cory hadn't moved; he was just standing firmly there, and he was staring at Shawn, his brown eyes wide.

"Cor..." Shawn found his voice for only half of a second. He didn't know what he was going to say, because Cory was tugging on his arm, pulling him back towards him. Shawn obeyed, stepping back towards him and now facing him. The rushing water was suddenly louder than it had been. Shawn studied Cory's face, expecting him to say something to break the silence and awkwardness. Cory was the one still standing there, the one who had pulled Shawn back from walking on. Instead of speaking, Cory stepped forward once, and Shawn saw him take a deep breath before he leaned forward and brought his free hand up to Shawn's face. Shawn felt his soul searched with those deep brown eyes, and he knew Cory was giving him ample opportunity to say no, to step away, to stop this. Now Shawn couldn't move, didn't want to move. He wanted whatever was going to happen next, damn him and his sentimental heart, he wanted it.

He somehow felt very warm as he got the chills, and where Cory's hand rested on his jaw was the warmest spot of all. Shawn wasn't aware of leaning forward, but he did know that he brought his hand up to Cory's hip, as much to steady himself as anything else. Then Cory was gently pulling Shawn's face closer to him, and Shawn's hand was sneaking around from his hip to his back. Shawn's heart had definitely stopped beating and he watched Cory take another deep breath. Cory's eyelashes came down over his eyes, and then all Shawn knew was bliss. Cory's lips were cold, and Shawn did his best to warm them up. The first two pecks were tentative, testing, then they found their stride. Shawn felt Cory's hand on the back of his head, fingers in his hair, and bunched his fingers in Cory's sweater at the small of his back. Their other hands were still holding each other's, a lot tighter now.

They broke away before the kiss could become too deep, and demand maybe more than they were ready for. They each pulled back just enough to look into each other's eyes, full of tenderness and questions that hadn't even formed yet. Cory's left hand dropped to Shawn's shoulder before he leaned in again and placed a soft kiss on Shawn's cheek that was as sweet as it was clumsy. With that, he stepped back and loosened his grip on Shawn's hand, releasing him if he chose. Shawn kept his grip on Cory's hand tight, not letting go. Without a word, he turned and led Cory further along the trail. Cory followed obediently and they hiked on without a word. 

Before long, continuing to hold hands over the uneven ground became impractical as they had to climb over tree roots and rocks in the path. Cory brought out the map for the first time in a long time. They still hadn't seen people in well over an hour by now, and the woods around them were the densest they'd so far been.

"All right, Magellan, where are we?" Shawn asked, betraying that he had learned something in geography in high school.

"Whew," Cory whistled, "We're all the way up here," he said, and showed Shawn on the map a spot that was branched off three times of the main trail they'd started on. "I'm wondering if we shouldn't think about starting to head back." Shawn's immediate response was to veto that, he didn't want this day to end. But he did realize it would take them awhile to head all the way back down the mountain, and that's if they went back the most direct route they came and didn't get turned around or lost.

"I guess. Maybe. But can we go back this way?" he asked, pointing out a trail that led a way they hadn't been but looked like it looped back to the main trail. "Then we can see stuff we haven't yet."

"Sure," Cory agreed, then folded the map away and reached for his backpack. They sat on a gathering of rocks to rest and have a snack. Shawn couldn't believe it was already after noon, but when he went to stand back up, his sneakered feet reminded him he'd been walking awhile. His city legs weren't used to this terrain. Luckily he was young and could easily ignore the discomfort. They took the next branch in the trail to the left, now consulting the map instead of randomly wandering.

Shawn's thoughts alternated between, "this is gorgeous", "try not to think about it", and "we kissed. he kissed me. I kissed him. what the hell". What did this mean? Did it have to mean anything? Maybe it was just a fluke, born of being out of doors in such beautiful surroundings together with no one else around. The only problem with that was that Shawn wanted to do it again. He let his mind slip away as he walked, to thoughts he'd never let himself think but yet were not completely unfamiliar. The spot on his cheek that Cory had pecked was still warm.


	6. Chapter 6

"You know, you'd think I'd be better at this," Cory's voice came from behind Shawn. Shawn had the thought that he wouldn't say he was bad at it either, then Cory continued, "I mean, my dad owns an outdoor supply store. You'd think I would have picked up a few things by now." Shawn shook his head at himself.

"Well, you haven't worked there like Eric has," Shawn told him. "And I think selling the supplies is a little different than striking out and doing it."

"I know. Maybe I'm just feeling like I should have spent more time at the store, trying to soak up what I can. I mean, there's a chance I'll take it over for him one day anyway."

"You really think you might?" Shawn asked. In their limited conversations about the future, the idea of Cory running his father's store came up very seldom.

"What else am I going to do?" Cory asked his friend. "I'm in college now and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Maybe running the store with Eric is my safest bet." Shawn slowed his pace so that he and Cory could walk side by side again.

"That sounds a lot like settling," Shawn said. "Cor, we just started college. We're not grown up yet, we don't have to have it all figured out. We've got time."

Cory sighed. "Not much," he lamented. Shawn rolled his eyes. Always so dramatic and worrying about things he didn't have to. He'd always been the one that wanted, needed, a plan, a safety net. The two best friends were almost opposites in that respect; Shawn was much more willing and able to fly by the seat of his pants. He'd had to learn to get good at it, while Cory's life had been a lot more stable. Sometimes Shawn envied him that but other times, like now, he saw where it stunted him and he felt bad for his friend.

"I mean," Cory continued, "If I marry Topanga, I need to be able to provide for her. She deserves that." Shawn blinked. Oh. Right. That. "And I don't exactly want to work on the docks forever. She's probably going to be a successful lawyer. I don't think she'll want a wharf rat for a husband." Cory attempted a laugh, but it came out weak. Shawn gave him a smirk.

"If she's going to be a rich and successful lawyer, I don't think you'll need to worry about working. You should be able to sit back and let her carry you." Cory gave him a hooded look that pretended to chastise, as they both knew Shawn was kidding. "What's wrong with being a wharf rat anyway?" Shawn asked. He'd been thinking he should go down there and apply again himself once he was through his first year of college. The money was good, and he could do a lot worse.

"Nothing, I guess," said Cory. "It just doesn't feel like a career. Topanga's going to want better I'm sure." Shawn bit his lip instead of replying to let her go find better then. "I mean," Cory clarified as he shrugged, "I want better too. Or rather, I want to know what I should be doing. I just signed up for random classes because I don't know what direction I'm heading in. I don't know what I want to be." There was an edge of desperation in his voice that tugged at Shawn and erased any bitter or sarcastic thoughts from his mind. He stopped and turned in the path in front of Cory, forcing him to stop as well. Shawn saw the genuinely worried furrow in his brow as he looked up at him.

"Cor, you're a freshman in college. It's okay not to know. I guarantee you most of the others don't either."

"Topanga does," Cory returned.

"Topanga's a freak," Shawn said, with sincere affection and a smile. Cory returned the smile and the two continued walking, now on a gradual downhill slope.

"Is it wrong to wish that she'd gone to Yale?" Cory asked suddenly after a moment or two of quiet hiking. Shawn chewed on his lip as he thought. He imagined not having Topanga around at school, Angela maybe not even being in the same college as a result, and all of Cory's weekends spent trying to see her.

"I guess that depends on why you're asking," Shawn replied. Was Cory wishing for some time away from her? And if so, why? Shawn stopped his wild imagination before it could get off the ground.

"It's what she needs," Cory said. "She needs more of a challenge than Pennbrook, and if she's going to be the kind of lawyer she wants, Yale would be better for her. She only stayed because of me."

"Doesn't that make you happy?" asked Shawn. "Doesn't it make you feel like you're the most important thing in her world?" 

"No. Yes. That's the problem," Cory replied. "I don't want to be selfish. I love her so much, I want what's best for her." Shawn breathed slowly through his nose before he answered.

"She made her choice already. Maybe what's best for her is to be with you." They had the childhood love story of the century. To see it fall apart once they reached college and wanted to pursue different careers, as happened with so many others that had managed to get this far, would have been to watch their story get shot in the head. "Have you talked about this with her?" Shawn asked. He knew he often got more intimate details of what Cory was thinking about Topanga and their relationship before Topanga did, which he was used to, but as they'd gotten older, it made him just the slightest bit uncomfortable. 

"Yeah," Cory said this time, sighing. "She said she didn't want to talk about it anymore. She made her choice, like you just said, and the case was closed. I don't know. Maybe I'm jealous of her. She's known she wants to be an environmental lawyer since she was halfway through high school. I don't have that kind of vision."

"It'll come to you. I promise." He spread his arms wide as he skipped down a few tree roots. "It's not like I know what I'm doing, either." Of course, Shawn thought, that might not be exactly surprising or reassuring to anybody.

"Yeah, you do," Cory said, as he took his turn hopping down the roots, surprising Shawn. Shawn's black eyebrows shot up, questioning, and he looked over his shoulder at Cory. "You're gonna be a writer." Shawn snorted.

"That's just a hobby. That's not something to make money at."

"You never know," returned Cory. "If that's what you love, you should try to make money at it someday."

Shawn screwed up his face and mumbled, "None of my stuff is that good."

"Yeah, right," Cory said, "You've never given yourself enough credit, so I'm positive some of it is." Shawn smiled to himself, his heart warm. Cory always had so much faith in him.

"Maybe someday," Shawn relented. They walked in silence for a bit longer, the ground levelling out again.

"At least you have your writing," Cory resumed. "I just wish I was good at something." Shawn sighed; he hated to see Cory dwell on things that made him upset.

"Cor, don't beat yourself up." 

"It's true though," he said. "I don't have anything special about me. I'm just...average. I've always been average." Shawn stopped in his tracks and turned around in the trail again. Cory was closer behind him this time, and when Shawn stopped, Cory's next two steps brought him up short directly in front of him. Shawn brought his hand up to steady Cory, and it landed on the green sweater on his chest and stayed there. Somehow he had to make him see. Shawn looked deep into Cory's eyes, noting the hazel flecks were almost gold in the washed out afternoon sunlight.

"You are not average," he stated fervently. "You are the most loyal, honest, and kind hearted person I know. You can learn anything, with a little effort. You're lucky. You're going to be able to be whatever you want to be. Don't give me that shit that you're not special." You're special to me, he refrained from saying. He was already getting that floppy feeling in his stomach that this was more than good buds would be doing, which only intensified as Cory brought his hand up to cover Shawn's where it was on his chest and held it there.

"Thanks, Shawnie," Cory said, his voice low and the anxious tightness to his expression now melting away.

"Anytime, Babe," Shawn replied. The nickname fell out so naturally, but this time it felt so much more intimate. They hung suspended for a moment like that, studying each other, feeling the ground shift slightly underneath them. Then Cory wrapped his arms around Shawn in a bear hug and Shawn let out a sigh. He let himself be held and he gripped back every bit as tight. He had the urge to kiss Cory again, and was about to when they drew away from the hug but Cory swung to his side, keeping his left arm around his shoulders.

"What would I do without you, man?" Cory asked, as they took a few slow steps with Cory's arm over Shawn's shoulders and Shawn's arm around his back, holding each other up.

"Probably be at Yale yourself," Shawn said. Cory chuckled at that.

"Yeah, right. I wasn't even going to try for something like that."

"Why not? You should have."

"Yeah, you tell me this now. I didn't want to...I didn't want to apply for any school that was that far away." The boys had let their arms fall from each other by now and were again walking separately side by side. Shawn heard what Cory hadn't said: "I didn't want to apply for any school that you couldn't get into." And isn't that what Shawn had wanted? Hadn't he said those exact words at the beginning of senior year when the college talk started? 

"Are you only at Pennbrook cause of me?" Shawn asked quietly. "Cause that's where I could get into?"

"Like I'd go to college without my best friend," Cory said.

"But if you could have done better..." Shawn argued, "Isn't that the same thing that Topanga's doing for you?" He couldn't take all the implications of that in right away; that Cory was at Pennbrook because of him, and Topanga was there because of Cory...had Shawn's intellectual limitations set the bar for all his friends' college careers?

"Would you want me at a different school? Would you have wanted us all to split up?" Cory asked seriously.

"No," Shawn answered. Maybe he wasn't as selfless as Cory wanting Topanga to be at Yale, but he knew he wouldn't have made it this far without his best friend. "Hell, I probably wouldn't even have bothered with college at all if not for you."

"I know," Cory said simply. Shawn allowed that to sink in as they continued hiking. There were too many thoughts connected to a statement like that to process all at once, and Shawn's mind raced. That's why he jumped even more than he would have when the crashing sound came through the woods in front of him. 

He saw brush move as his heart jumped out of his chest and images of Bigfoot erased everything else from his mind. These grew stronger when he saw a large brown furry something flash through the trail a few feet ahead of where he stood frozen. Cory had stopped with him and he could feel him just behind his left shoulder, close enough to reach out and touch, which Shawn did by grabbing his arm.

"What was that?" asked Cory tentatively.

"Bigfoot," stated Shawn. "Had to be." 

"Actually, I think it may have been a moose," Cory said thoughtfully. "Remember that waitress saying that about the moose being in rut?"

"Yeah, what the hell does that even mean?" Shawn asked, turning to look at Cory. He let go of his arm, sensing the immediate danger was past. There were no sounds from either side of the trail. Of course, the beast could be watching them from a spot he couldn't be seen in.

Cory smiled at Shawn, "You really don't know?" When Shawn shook his head, Cory said, "It, uh, means they're horny. They're looking for a mate." 

"Oh," was all Shawn could think of to say.

"I guess I do know what she meant by us getting trampled, though," Cory added. "That was closer than I would have liked."

"Yeah, me too," Shawn agreed. "But we're on a trail that's heading us back to civilization soon right?" Cory checked the map.

"We are, but we're still a ways away from the beginning of it. We got pretty far out here, which is what she warned us of."

"Do you think we're safe?" Shawn asked.

"I don't know," Cory answered. "That thing did make a lot of noise before we saw it, so I guess if we pay attention and listen we might be able to get out of the way if it happens again. I wonder if it was a male. Moose are pretty big, ya know." Neither of the boys had ever seen a moose before, so Shawn didn't know but he could imagine. He determined that he would stay out of his own head from here on out and pay attention to his surroundings. If those things were running around, who knew that there weren't wolves or mountain lions?


	7. Chapter 7

There was no conversation for a long time as both tuned closer in to the sounds around them, listening for any rustling or cracking of twigs. Shawn realized how much noise their own feet were making. He also noticed that he and Cory were now walking slower and closer together, so that their arms brushed frequently. He was okay with this. Soon, the trees started thinning out a bit, and they could see more sunlight ahead. The trail seemed to lead into an open field. Still alert, the two boys approached the edge of the open area slowly and quietly. They didn't really expect to see anything, it had been at least fifteen minutes since their encounter with the big brown creature and they figured it had left them behind long ago.

Then Shawn's breath caught in his throat and he felt Cory move even closer to him. Several yards in front of them, off to the side of the clearing, was a huge bull moose, contentedly grazing on what was left of the wildflowers. He looked as if he was over six feet tall at his shoulders, a dark brown shag coat that was almost black, and his elongated head was enormous. He had what appeared to be a beard dangling underneath his neck, and his antlers crowned him as the ruler of the local forest. Shawn didn't even know how to process what was in front of him, he just stared in shock. 

"Are you seeing this?" Cory said in a hushed tone. Shawn winced. He had the distinct sense they should not draw any attention to themselves at that moment  
.   
"Yes," he barely whispered. "And I don't think we want him seeing us." Cory gave a curt nod, not taking his eyes off the beast. The moose turned his head in their direction, and Shawn's blood froze.

"Maybe we shouldn't be staring at him," Shawn breathed. He didn't know where else to look though, if the animal was going to run at them, he wanted to see him coming, and regardless, the sight rather arrested one's eyes. Mercifully, the bull turned his gaze away again, to look in the direction of the trail on the other side of him, as if to say, "Oh, you want to go down there?" He picked up another mouthful of plant life and looked back at the boys again as he chewed. Then he stopped chewing as it seemed like he was now returning Cory and Shawn's stare.

"Get ready to run," Cory breathed. Shawn wondered if that was the best idea, but didn't have any better suggestions. Suddenly a wail broke through the birdsong, a disembodied groan that made Shawn think something or somebody nearby was in pain. The moose turned away from them again, to look further into the woods that he was already facing. The call came once more, and once more the bull turned towards the boys. He flicked a drooping ear at them, then began to move off in what must have been the direction of the sound. Cory and Shawn watched him until the last of his brown rump slipped into the trees, then finally exhaled. Shawn's legs felt like jello and his heart was thudding in his ribcage. He wondered how close they'd come to getting trampled. 

"You okay?" Cory asked, still whispering.

"I think so," said Shawn. "Let's work on getting out of here." As thankful as he was for the chance to have seen that, he also felt like surviving his first trip to Vermont and not dying by moose. The two still continued to stand there for a few moments, too nervous to move, or maybe their legs wouldn't work. The blood seemed to start pumping all at once through Shawn's veins again, and if his legs could only function, he had the urge to...he wasn't sure what. Try to fly? Try to run after the beast? This adreline rush was unlike most he'd ever known. He let out a carefree laugh that made Cory look at him like he was crazy for making that much noise. Then Cory smiled wide at him. Shawn's genuine laughs tended to be infectious.

In the spirit of the moment, Shawn turned, grabbed Cory, and laid a kiss on him without hesitation. Like it was the most normal thing in the world, like he did this every day. And Cory kissed him back as if he did so every day. Shawn broke away from him, almost dancing, his blood singing in his veins. 

"Whoo!" Shawn shouted and laughed again. Then he turned and literally ran across the clearing, along the trail where it led into thin trees again on the other side. He almost felt like he had the couple of times he'd been drunk, except this was a clearer, sharper exhiliration. Cory caught up with him, a little out of breath but still smiling. Cory laughed to see Shawn so high on pure life, his enthusiasm catching. They continued on, now at a quicker trot, their conversation taken over by the moose.

"Did you see the rack on that thing?"

"I never really knew they were so big."

"I wonder how much bigger they get."

"Was that a female calling to him, you think?"

"That was so awesome!"

And so the afternoon wore on, the two best friends traipsing through the woods. They saw no more moose, but they did come upon two smaller waterfalls, the second of which they sat down by for a rest and another snack.

"So if you could be any animal, what would it be?" Shawn asked Cory, sitting on the ground with his back against a pine tree. Cory squinted his eyes in thought.

"A wolf," he said decisively, even baring his teeth as he ended the word for emphasis. Shawn couldn't help it, he burst out laughing. "What?" Cory asked, surprised.

"You're not a wolf, Cor," Shawn explained. "Maybe a cub, or a pup, or whatever you call a young one." Cory frowned slightly and looked downcast.

"You didn't ask what animal I'm like, you asked which one I would be." Shawn hadn't meant to make him feel bad, and he could have sworn if Cory had pointed ears like a wolf, they'd be drooping down right now. Shawn smiled a bit at the visual.

"Ok, ok, you can be a wolf," he told Cory. The more he actually thought about it, the more sense it made; the pack/family loyalty that Cory had, not viscious unless he had to be, and as enthusiastic about life as any dog. "You might just have to work on the longer nose," he added to bring Cory's smile back. It worked.

"What animal would you be?" Cory threw the question back at him. Shawn had had an idea but now he was self conscious in light of Cory's picking such a powerful animal.

"I don't know," he bluffed, "What do you think I'd be?" Cory tilted his head and appraised Shawn for a short moment, not helping Shawn's self consciousness. 

"A panther," he answered steadily. "A black panther." Shawn's eyebrows shot up. This was both close and a long shot from what he would have chosen, which was a black cat. 

"Really?" he asked. "What makes you say that?" 

Cory answered, "You're strong, a loner, but affectionate when you want to be, just like a cat. You're all sleek and shiny on the outside but when the sun hits just right, you can see the spots that you hide underneath." Shawn took a breath as he took this in. Narcissistic or not, he wished he had a notebook with him to write that down. Cory continued looking at him for a moment, then he turned to watch the stream where the waterfall spilled into it. He seemed to have a flush to his cheeks that was more than the brisk air would cause. He thought Shawn was sleek and shiny? And strong?

"Meow," went Shawn, to break the awkwardness, "Or should it be Roaar?" Cory turned back to him and laughed. They gathered their stuff and prepared to press on, aware of the changing light of the afternoon.

"The wolf and the panther wander on, in their hunt for the elusive bull moose, the king of the forest," Shawn said in a narrator's voice. "That could make a good story." He took the lead again, breathing deeply and watching the stream.

They hadn't gone more than a few steps when Cory, from behind him, said, "Wait, wait. You've got something all over your ass." Shawn started to turn, to give him a what the hell look, but Cory had caught his arm to keep him in place and with the other hand was brushing at the back of Shawn's jeans. As Cory swatted at his butt, Shawn wasn't sure whether to laugh or be offended. Then he felt a pinch and he jumped.

"What are you doing?!" he finally asked. He looked over the shoulder of the arm Cory wasn't holding to try to see behind him. "If you're going to feel me up this much, you better buy me dinner first." Although Cory hadn't grabbed an ass cheek yet, Shawn was beginning to think he shouldn't be surprised if he did. Was this just an excuse to touch him?, Shawn thought. Well, he supposed that would actually be okay. 

"Don't worry, I'll buy you dinner later," Cory half joked. "Ew, it's sticky," he said. Shawn's eyes started to widen. "You must have sat in sap underneath that tree. Your jeans had leaves and pine needles sticking to them. I got those off, but I can't do anything about the sap." He released Shawn and showed him the brown sap on his fingers that he'd picked off of the denim.

"Well, thanks," Shawn said, then brushed at his behind. He could feel the spots of sap. Luckily these weren't his favorite jeans. Cory tried wiping the sticky on his fingers off onto the ground, but only succeeded in collecting soil on them instead. Shawn bit his lip to stop himself from making inappropriate jokes. They suddenly saw a family walking towards them on the trail, the only other people they'd seen in a long time. A man and a woman, both dressed in black fleece outerwear, and a little girl of about eight in a bright pink coat. Cory and Shawn nodded to them as they passed them, realizing their easy seclusion from the world was over. Shawn briefly wondered if they'd seen Cory diligently cleaning off his ass before they'd gotten closer on the trail.

The beauty they were surrounded by captivated Shawn and he knew they were getting closer to their time here ending. As much as he knew it had to, he couldn't help but be regretful. He vowed to himself to make it back here again, preferably with Cory, someday.

"To the dull mind nature is leaden," he quoted, inspired. "To the illumined mind the world burns and sparkles with light."

"That's beautiful," Cory told him. "You write that?"

"Ha, no. That's Emerson. I think," Shawn replied. It still flattered him that Cory thought he could write something like that.

"It is amazing out here," Cory said, picking up on Shawn's mood. "I never really knew you liked nature, Shawnie. I would have invited you on a family camping trip at some point if I'd known."

"Camping might be cool, but I kind of rather like the idea of that comfy bed waiting for us back at the inn," Shawn returned. He might be too much of a city kid to actually want to sleep on the ground when there were other options. He realized a beat too late how intimate that sounded; that the bed was waiting for both of them, that it was a given they would share it again.

"Yeah," Cory said, "For sure." He didn't seem to notice Shawn's assumption. They lasped into silence once more, broken only by their steps on the continuing trail and the murmured hellos that they gave to people that were now more regularly passing them. Was everybody friendlier out here in Vermont than back home? One more difference in city living as opposed to small towns that gave Shawn pause to think. 

Eventually the inevitable happened and they reached the end of the trail and the parking lot in which they had left the car. The sun was now on the other side of the sky, close to setting. Shawn wished they could stay long enough to watch the sun go down, but one glance at Cory told him he was exhausted. Neither were used to this level of outdoor physical activity, and Shawn had to admit that that bed sounded more tempting the closer they got to it. The boys sunk into the car with a sigh of relief to be off their feet. 

Cory pulled away from Green Mountain, and Shawn said a silent goodbye. It had been a day to never forget, between the leaves, and the moose, and the waterfalls...and the kisses. There was more than one reason that Shawn didn't want the day to end.

"What are you in the mood to have for dinner?" asked Cory as he navigated the twists and turns of the road. They were driving in a westerly direction, so he was having trouble keeping the low sun out of his eyes. Shawn said that he didn't really care. "Well, it's our last night here," Cory continued. "We should do something kind of special. My treat." Did he think Shawn had been serious about taking him out to dinner earlier? Shawn felt like he had to set something straight.

"Cor, this whole trip has been your treat. You've paid for everything."

"Is that a problem?" asked Cory, sounding surprised.

"You know I hate charity," Shawn sighed.

"It's not charity when it's us," replied Cory. "Right?"

"Yeah but how am I going to pay you back for this?"

"Shawn, that's ridiculous. You don't need to pay me back for anything. I wanted to do this. For you. For us." Cory sounded like he stopped himself short, or maybe he was just having that much difficulty seeing as he drove into the sun. He suddenly pulled over, into a convenient parking area on the side of the road as they crested another hill.

The sun was now fully setting, a ball of fire that lit up the orange and gold and yellow of the foliage and turned them bloody crimson. The parking area overlooked another mountain, and while there were picnic benches in the grass, the boys didn't need to get out of the car to admire the view. Cory hugged the steering wheel and Shawn leaned forward onto the dashboard, folding his arms on it and resting his chin on his forearm. In this way the friends watched the sun go down over the Vermont hills after all, not needing words to appreciate the moment. When the light had faded so that they no longer had to squint, Cory started the car again and gently drove away.


	8. Chapter 8

They rolled into another little town, the streetlights blinking on. The owners of the little shops that lined the street were locking up and going home for the night; things shut down early in these rural areas. 

"Oh that's cool," Shawn remarked as they passed a store whose sign touted classic and used books for sale. The lights were of course all turned off though. "I'd love to look around there if they were still open."

"Maybe we can come back tomorrow before we leave," Cory said. "Hey how about this place for dinner?" he asked as he pulled up to a large white building with icicle style Christmas lights glowing along the edge of its porch’s roof. Shawn eyed the place uneasily.

"I don't know, it looks expensive," he said.

"That's no difference," insisted Cory, as he pulled the car into a parking spot. Dark had fallen rapidly once the sun was down, and the outside temperatute had followed suit. The inside of the restaurant, though most of it was one cavernous room, managed to be cozy due to the lively fire burning merrily in the large stone fireplace that served as a center of the building. There were white linens on the tables and a greeter dressed all in black that came towards the young men as soon as they walked in, and Shawn felt horribly underdressed. Glancing around as they were seated, however, he saw other people in various outfits, many of them in jeans, which made him feel slightly better. Cory, in his classic sweater, was still more appropriately attired for a nice sit down dinner however. Shawn tried not to feel too out of place.

They were seated at a table by a smiling young blond man that Shawn could have sworn stared at Cory a second too long. Being a Sunday night, there weren't too many other patrons, so the boys had scored a spot near the fireplace, its glow equal to the dim lighting hanging from the rustic ceiling beams. Most of the wall across the room was a bank of windows overlooking the now dark hills. The menu was not as fancy as Shawn had feared, there was some of what he considered normal food on it, with prices that weren't shocking. He hated always having to be so concious of money all the time. He dreamed of a day when he wouldn't have to be but he had doubts that would ever happen.

"This is my treat, okay," he told Cory. "You've done everything else, if you don't let me pay for something, I'm going to actually be mad." Cory opened his mouth and looked like he was going to protest for a moment, then thought better of it and closed it. "And get whatever you want," added Shawn. He had enough left in his checking account to cover a decent dinner. He hoped. Thankfully, the smiling blond was not their waiter, but another handsome young man was. Shawn took off his jacket and hung it on the back of his chair in an attempt to be proper. He had to admit, it felt rewarding to sit down and have a real dinner at a nice place; he was on vacation; when was he going to do this again? 

Conversation was mutually but comfortably slow, both of them tired and the glow from the fire relaxing. Their shoes touched under the table while they were ordering their food and initially they instinctively moved them away but the second time it happened they left them in place. Halfway through dinner, Shawn felt a pressure on the toes of one of his feet and he looked over at Cory to see him giving him a small, secret smile. He returned the smile, thankful that Cory had found a way to be close without being blatant enough to reach across the table and grab Shawn's hand. Not that Shawn would have protested, but he preferred the subtlety. He did his best not to let his thoughts wander to what anything meant, just tried to be there in the moment. It wasn't hard with the firelight playing on Cory's features and more often than not when Shawn did look away, the sense that Cory was watching him.

When the waiter came around to ask about dessert, Shawn ordered hot chocolates for the both of them without hesitation. They had a fireplace, they had to have hot cocoa before they left. That, and Shawn didn't want to disturb the magic. He had the unforgiving sense that all of this, whatever it was, had to come to an end sooner or later, and he wasn't sure where that end would be. If he lingered every time things were going as he liked, then at least that's the more memories he would have. Like the one of Cory taking a sip of hot chocolate now and not realizing he left himself with a foam moustache. Shawn smiled and fought the urge to lean over the table and wipe it off for him.

"You've got, uh, some chocolate there," he told him, wiping at his own upper lip. Cory rolled his eyes and cleaned it off. Their feet were now nestled in between each other's on the floor.

"We definitely need to do this again sometime," Cory said as their check came. Though Shawn noticed the waiter set it slightly closer to Cory on the table, Shawn was quick to grab it. He smiled at Cory, wondering if he meant the trip to Vermont or the nice dinner, and decided it didn't really matter. The bill wasn't too bad, Shawn reflected, and he tipped as much as he felt he could. The guy had been cute, and Shawn knew waiting tables was not an easy job.

"Yeah, maybe we can make this an annual trip or something," Shawn said. And he would pay for the whole thing next time, he silently vowed.

"Or can you even imagine the skiing up here?" asked Cory. Shawn pictured these hills covered with snow, being bundled up, coming in from the cold to a room with a fireplace, warming each other up...he shook his head.

"I'm not sure you have the best track record with skiing trips," he said. Cory winced a bit.

"Yeah..." he pondered. "But if I was just with you, Topanga would be fine with it." Shawn was glad he could hide his face as he put his jacket on while they prepared to leave. He'd just meant how Cory had injured his ankle on their senior trip, but Cory had thought of the other dangers that ski lodge had held for him. And Shawn wouldn't let himself think about how loaded of a statement that could be otherwise; he doubted he had meant it that way anyway.

"Hey, thanks for dinner," Cory said warmly as they made their way to the door. Shawn threw his arm around his friend's shoulders in an impulsive quick side hug. He swore it had nothing to do with the fact that the blond guy that had checked Cory out was still at his post as the boys walked by.

"Of course, Babe," Shawn returned, maybe a bit too loudly, fighting the urge to glance back at the greeter. The drive back to the inn was silent, both too tired to really make any conversation, especially now that their stomachs were full. The female proprietor was downstairs dusting when the boys entered, and she gave them a tender smile and a "good night, dears" as they climbed the stairs. The room felt oddly like coming home, even though they'd only stayed there one night so far. They both gratefully kicked off their shoes, and Shawn immediately dug his journal out of his bag and retired to the little desk in the corner. There were things he needed to get down before he forgot. Behind him, Cory turned the TV on with no sound and sighed as he flopped onto the bed.

Shawn wrote until his hand was sore and his mind was almost empty, then laid the pen down and ran his hands through his hair. Now he felt properly tired. As he flipped off the desk light, turned in the chair, and got up, he started to ask Cory what he was watching, then stopped midsentence. Cory was laid out on top of the comforter, still fully dressed, arms folded over his chest, and eyes closed. His mouth was slightly open, though he wasn't snoring yet. Shawn hooked his thumb in his side belt loop and took the free opportunity to stand and stare. Cory looked like an angel. He had just the slightest chocolate stains in the corners of his lips but somehow had otherwise finished the day looking as immaculate as he'd started it. Meanwhile Shawn had jeans covered in sap, which he remembered now and changed into his pajama pants and took off his button up shirt, leaving the red tee underneath.

He went to turn off the TV and paused, smiling. Cory had silently been watching The Brave Little Toaster. Of course he had, thought Shawn; how very Cory. Sometimes he was so childlike but then he could turn around and be one of the most mature people Shawn knew. He loved him for that mix, as he loved him for everything else that he was. Cory would always be the person that Shawn would want. How did he mean that?, he asked himself and the quiet room. In his most secret of hearts, as well as the not-so-secret, he'd always had an affection for Cory that couldn't be explained. It sprouted on the day they met, when Shawn jumped into the llama pit to save him without a second thought. They'd shared their first hug that day, and though he couldn't have been aware of it then at six years old, Shawn had felt something click. The only thing that made him not feel ridiculous for thinking so was the fact that Cory clearly felt it too. It was the only explanation for how they forged a friendship, and did their best to tear down the class walls that would have otherwise kept them apart. Cory had brought Shawn into a world where college and trips to Vermont could exist, and Shawn had shown Cory that there was far more to life than the suburbs and school.

It was undeniable that their friendship went deeper than the norm, and everything they'd been through had just strengthened it. Right or wrong, for whatever reasons, Shawn was glad they were both at Pennbrook now; he wouldn't be able to be separated from Cory. It had never gone well in the past, and anybody who had tried to induce them to be apart had quickly gotten shunted out of their lives. Girls, for instance. Topanga and Angela had really been the only females to not be jealous of the boys' relationship and Shawn reflected that that was probably the only reason they were still around. Angela didn't seem to understand it as well as Topanga did, but then, she hadn't been there since the beginning. She did amazingly well in being supportive for all that, though.

Angela. How did Shawn really feel about her anymore? They'd had something wonderful, and he was scared he'd never have that again. He was also scared he'd forever measure every relationship against Cory and Topanga's, and that was simply unrealistic. He knew there was a good chance that that was why he and Angela had failed, but now the damage was done. Last he'd heard, she was dating again, and he was surprised that the idea of that didn't bother him as much as he'd have thought it would. He had school, and his writing, and Cory. What else did he need? Sometimes he wondered if he depended on Cory a little bit too much, but he had never let Shawn down. Shawn clung to that with the same loyalty in turn.

Now he felt the need to be as close to Cory as he could be for as long as he could be, so he finally turned the TV off and climbed into bed. The lamp on Cory's side was on, and Shawn leaned over his body to dim it. As Shawn's weight shifted the bed and their chests brushed, Cory barely stirred. Shawn brought his arm back from reaching over him and propped himself up over Cory for a moment, just watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful; Shawn didn't want to disturb him, but he also wanted him to be comfortable.

"Cor," he said softly, "You fell asleep in your clothes." No response. Shawn couldn't help it, his fingers were itching to touch him anyway, so he brought his hand to the hem of Cory's sweater and snuck it underneath, gently pulling it up as he went, leaving the white tee he was wearing beneath it. When he reached Cory's folded arms, he had to sit up to use his other hand to help unfold them. Now Cory finally stirred, but only minimally, only enough to lift his torso up off the bed to allow Shawn to pull the sweater off. He nestled back into his pillow as soon as Shawn had tossed the shirt on the floor. Okay, that was half the battle, thought Shawn, the easy half. He sat on the bed with his knees tucked under him, wondering if he really needed to continue. Cory deserved the full comfort of this bed while they had it, though, and Shawn was not above admitting he was selfish. He wanted to snuggle again, under the covers, like they had the night before, if Cory would. 

As gently as he could, Shawn started undoing Cory's belt. He was both hoping his friend would wake up a bit to make this easier, and terrified of him waking up and possibly wondering what he was doing. This was horribly intimate, and Shawn barely dared to breath as he moved onto the button. His eyes traveled over Cory's face, then down his chest with the tight white tee over it, then to his own hands at the fly of his friend's pants. He felt his own manhood stirring as he pulled the zipper of the jeans down as slowly and silently as he could. Now he just had to pull them off, no big deal. He hoped Cory wouldn't feel taken advantage of if he woke up without his pants on. Shawn considered this a moment. It wasn't like he was going to do anything, he just wanted to get Cory comfortable. Though he had to admit that thoughts of doing things had definitely begun to present themselves, when Cory was awake and perhaps willing, obviously.

Shawn grasped his friend's jeans at the hip and began to slowly tug down. He had to reach around Cory to get a hand in between the waistband and his back to begin to be able to slide them past Cory's ass. Here Cory finally helped him again, lifting his hips so that Shawn could get the jeans out from underneath him, letting out a murmur. As Shawn uncovered Cory's plaid boxers, he did his best to keep his distance from anything sensitive. He could clearly see the outline of his member, and he felt his own jerk a bit in response. Cory's boxers had slid down a bit as Shawn had tugged on his jeans, and as soon as he had the denim off Cory's legs, he brought his hands to Cory's hips to put them back in place. As he touched Cory's skin that was peeking out between his tee and his boxers, Cory's eyes finally fluttered open, just for an instant. He smiled at Shawn.

"C'mon, let's get you tucked in," Shawn whispered, and kept one hand on Cory's hip while he started bringing the bedcovers down with the other. Cory came awake enough to roll towards Shawn, and help him get himself under the comforter. It made Shawn wonder how awake he'd been for the undressing, and Shawn inexplicably blushed. He started settling himself under the covers, glad the light was dim. The boys were still facing each other, and suddenly Cory reached out for Shawn and wrapped his arms around him, one over his shoulder and one around his side. This brought their bodies flush and their legs automatically intertwined. Shawn almost felt tears pricking his eyes. This was what truly being wanted felt like.

"You take such good care of me, Shawnie," Cory mumbled into his collarbone. Shawn really rather thought that was the other way around, but instead of speaking, he just held Cory tight to him and pressed a kiss where he could reach on his head, the curls tickling his nose. They fell asleep clutched together like that, holding onto each other like they were scared they were going to be torn apart.


	9. Chapter 9

Once morning came, they had relaxed their grips somewhat, and Shawn woke up to Cory staring down at him using Cory's arm for a pillow.

"There you are, gorgeous," Cory told him as he opened his eyes, and laid a kiss on Shawn's forehead. Shawn smiled sleepily and hooked his leg over one of Cory's again. Gorgeous? That was new. Shawn's heart swelled, and he tightened his arm around Cory, drawing him closer. He couldn't get enough. Thankfully Cory didn't want to seem to get up right away today, and Shawn was relishing every second he could get like this. He wished he hadn't had to sleep so that he could have enjoyed this all night. But the knowledge that they had spent the night as close as they had was some consolation.

Cory started running his fingers in circles on Shawn's back, causing Shawn to let out a moan and lengthen his body along his bedmate's, stretching not unlike a cat. His head was now on Cory's shoulder, his face against his chest. Cory's shirt still smelled of the outdoors, and Shawn happily kept his nose buried in it. He could feel one of Cory's slight chest hairs sticking him in the cheek through the tee, but he didn't mind. Shawn had never felt so close to someone. He and Angela had never gotten the opportunity to spend a night together, or maybe he would have felt this way with her. He liked that it was Cory he was experiencing this with for the first time, though. Cory that he felt so safe with, and understood, and loved. And that was still running his fingers along his back, up and down now.

Shawn brought his free hand to Cory's side, and tentatively slipped it under Cory's tee just above his hip and then onto his back. He started gently scratching as high up as he could reach, and earned a moan of appreciation out of Cory. In an effort to get higher up his back, Shawn pressed his body even closer, and this brought the boys' hips flush with each other. Though it hadn't been his intent, this brought very sensitive parts of anatomy below the waist together, and Shawn paused in his scratching and just held on for a moment once he felt this. His breath started coming heavier, and he pulled his head back enough to look up at Cory with hooded eyes. Cory met his gaze with his own, warm and questioning.

Then their lips were together, picking up where they'd left off the day before, now willing to explore deeper and longer. This was kissing as Shawn had never known, and he'd known quite a bit. It's not that Cory was all great a kisser, in fact, having only ever kissed a few people, he was arguably mediocre at best. But he took turns letting Shawn take the lead and attempting to match him, and he was a quick learner. When they came up for air, Shawn realized Cory had somehow ended up half on top of him. Shawn's hand was still up the back of his shirt, and he wasn't sure if he had pulled him closer or Cory had rolled there on his own. Cory brought his hand up to run his fingers through the black hair above Shawn's ear, then gently cradled his face. He leaned down and captured Shawn's lips, and Shawn surrendered to him willingly, welcoming his tongue when it asked for entrance. 

Neither knew how long they made out for, but certain biological facts were soon becoming apparent as the boys felt each other's pressing into them. If it had been anybody else, any other guy, Shawn may have questioned his getting turned on by him. Shawn most definitely liked girls, and as far as he knew, Cory did too. Yet the evidence that they were both very much turned on was right there for them to feel. By unspoken agreement, they began to cool things down, sensing that they had gone as far as they were both wholly comfortable with. Shawn would be lying to himself if he said he didn't want to rip Cory's shirt off and grab him in ways that he was sure he'd never been grabbed in before, but he didn't want to risk going too far, or going far enough that it would be more difficult to stop than it was already. As it was, Shawn let himself dare to reach down and grab one of Cory's ass cheeks, to hold him in place against him and feel that delicious pressure for one moment longer.

"Oh, Shawnie," Cory moaned into his ear, and Shawn felt his blood run hot. He let go of Cory's ass and wrapped him in an above the waist hug, which Cory returned full force. They went back to relatively innocent cuddling as they let their bodies cool, or attempt to. Shawn was trying to imprint every sensation that he was feeling at the moment on his permanent memory, from the strength that Cory was holding him with, to the now slightly sweaty smell of him, to the sight of his white tee clinging to him, to the way Shawn's heartbeat refused to slow down very much.

After a few moments, Cory's voice came, "So...what is this?" Shawn screwed his eyes shut and attempted to block out the fact that he'd heard anything. He known Cory would have to analyze sooner or later. "I mean..." he started to continue. 

Shawn said into Cory's shoulder, adamently refusing to disturb his position, "No. No. We are not dissecting this. Just..." He'd been about to say "just hold me" but that sounded too vulnerable, so he replaced it with, "Just be here." And he hugged Cory tighter to his body for a second to accentuate his point.

"Ok," Cory said softly, surprisingly, thankfully, as he laid his head back down on the top of Shawn's. Normally he would have plowed forward and had to come up with an explanation for what was going on. Shawn liked this blurred version of his friend, at least for now. He wanted the illusion to last for just a little longer, that was all.

Of course he knew they had to get up eventually, even though he would have gladly spent the rest of his life in this bed. Cory started it by stretching, and Shawn followed suit. Cory called dibs on the shower again, because he knew that Shawn would let him, but before he went into the bathroom, he returned to the side of the bed and leaned down to kiss him. It was deep and tender, and stopped just before Cory wouldn't be able to walk away. As he turned away with a smile, Shawn clearly saw his half of a hard on through his boxers. The second the bathroom door closed, Shawn was touching himself, needing relief. He imagined Cory doing the same right now. God, how he wanted him! He tore his t shirt off and used it to catch his mess, then tossed it across the room at his discarded pile of other clothes. He sunk back on the bed gratefully, pulling his pajama pants back up.

When the bathroom door opened again, Shawn was laying crossways on the bed on his belly, arms folded with his chin resting on the backs of his hands. He was staring at the floor, deep in thought. He glanced up when Cory came into his vision, wearing only a white towel slung on his hips. He was still wet from the shower, the water glistened on his new muscles, and damn if Shawn didn't feel a stirring in his groin again. Of course he'd seen Cory shirtless before, in the locker rooms at school and otherwise; they'd known each too long for casual half nakedness to be especially noticed. But that was before they had held each other, and if Shawn was being completely honest, he'd never really not noticed. His eyes settled on the divot of Cory's belly button, and now he was lost in entirely different thoughts.

"Hey, my face is up here," said the voice that went with this body, and Shawn finally raised his head and eyes a bit further.

He cocked one eyebrow and with a wicked smirk returned, "So?" Shawn enjoyed watching Cory's eyes widen a bit and the look of surprised appreciation come over his face. He deserved to be wanted, and Shawn was happy to help him. It was all he could do to not get up and show him how much he wanted him as Cory retrieved clothes from his bag. Mercifully he went back in the bathroom to get dressed.

After Shawn got done taking his time in the shower, they finished gathering their stuff to depart. It was strange to think they would be back in Philadelphia by that evening. Shawn remembered he had to throw a paper that was due the next day together once he got back. He hadn't been about to mention it to Cory and shorten this trip. As it was, it was hard leaving the room where so much had happened between them and contained the comfiest bed he'd probably ever experience. Upon going downstairs to check out, the lady asked if they had enjoyed their stay.

"It was wonderful," Cory assured her, signing the paperwork she presented. Shawn returned her smile, but was not able to meet her knowing eyes. Cory drove back to the town they'd left the night before, to get breakfast and to go to the bookstore Shawn had been interested in. Shawn had almost forgotten about it himself.

It was a beautiful shop, a small place with a dark green door and trim, with large windows in the front displaying open hardcover works of Dickens and others. Inside had that musty aroma of old books and pages that had been pored over. Shawn was in love. Cory reminded him that they had to leave sometime that day before he let him loose. The elderly gentleman behind the counter, wearing thick spectacles and a deep red sweater, seemed pleased to watch a young person so interested. Cory followed along behind Shawn at a distance, occassionally taking a book down off the shelf.

"These are all the ones that they were trying to get us to read in high school," he commented, holding a copy of The Grapes of Wrath. His tone made it clear he was not horribly impressed or excited.

"I know, isn't it great?" Shawn replied, his eyes shining a bit. "I never read them then, so I have a lot of catching up to do. "And so many of these I didn't know about," he marvelled, looking over a copy of Pride and Prejudice. Then he found the poetry corner and Cory may as well have driven back to Pennsylavania without him.

Shawn was deep in a beautiful hardcover edition of poems and quotes written by New England authors such as Emerson, Thoreau, and Alcott when Cory gently but pleasantly disturbed his reverie by coming up behind him and laying a hand on his hip.

"Whatcha' find?" Cory asked, resting his chin on his shoulder to look over it. Shawn closed the book and slipped it back onto the shelf reverently.

"Nothing I can afford," he said, resigned. He had spent all his money on dinner the previous night, he'd realized. He didn't regret doing it, and most of these volumes would have been out of his reasonable price range anyway. Hunters didn't collect books.  
"Well, I just realized I need something for my English lit class," Cory said. "So look around a little more, maybe you'll find something." Shawn left the poetry section for the Dickens area. There was so much good stuff out there, he felt he could study for a lifetime and never be as great as many of these authors. He wondered if Cory was right, if he could have a future in writing. He tried picturing himself as Shawn Hunter, author, with a cabin in the woods and a cat. He'd sport a goatee and drink a lot of imported coffee to stay up all night, brooding. He almost laughed at this visual of himself right there in the shop, but there was an element of it that stayed with him as Cory came up to him with a paper bag in hand.

"Found what I needed," he said. "Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." 

 

On the drive home, Shawn fiddled with the radio, flipping stations, to keep from thinking or talking too much. He didn't necessarily want to go back, and he didn't want Cory opening up any existential conversations.

"I get knocked down, but I get up again. Cause you're never gonna keep me down," Shawn sung, turning up the volume a bit to cover up the fact that he wasn't a great singer. Cory let him rock out, seeming amused. He rarely got to see his friend as carefree as he had been able to be on this trip.

"I waaant something el-se to get me through this. Semi-charmed kinda life. Baby. Baby. I want something else. I'm not listenin' when you say good-byyyye," Shawn looked over at Cory, coaxing him to join him. Cory just laughed a little at him but then joined in for mumbling the rest of the fast paced lyrics. By the final, "Do-do-do, do-do-do-do" end of the last chorus, Cory was adorably bouncing around in the driver's seat. Then Shawn ran across one that he was ashamed to admit he knew, but screw it. 

"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever, friendship never ends. If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is. Whatcha think about that? Now you know how I feeeel." He was surprised when Cory jumped in after the first line of the chorus.

"Yo, I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want."

"So tell me what you want, what you really really want." Then both crowned it, "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig-ahhhh." They shared a hearty laugh at themselves after that song ended.

"I got to say," Cory said, "This trip is one of the best times I've had." The highway flew past under their wheels. 

"Ditto, man," Shawn said sincerely. His hand was still on the radio dial and now he ran across another one that was one of his guilty pleasures.

"I wanna stand with you on a mountain, I wanna bathe with you in the sea, I wanna lay like this forever until the sky falls down on me. Oh, can you see it, baby? You don't have to close your eyes. 'Cause it's standing right before you. All that you need will surely come." He pointedly did not look at Cory while singing this one, instead staring out the windshield into the distance. He had no problem showing his friend his vulnerable side, but when that vulnerability was about him, that was uncharted territory. Then Shawn found a blessedly upbeat one.

"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic," he sung in his best falsetto. "You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation." Cory broke in easily to cover Ken's parts, and they ended up performing the song in its entirety, bobbing their heads and making faces at each other.

"Let's never tell anyone about that," Shawn confirmed afterwards, laughing freely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Thank you to Third Eye Blind, The Spice Girls, Savage Garden, and Aqua for "letting" me borrow their lyrics for Cory and Shawn's car ride home. Not sure if that scene is out of character for our boys but I wanted to throw in something fun :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm throwing a warning in here for underage college drinking, just to be on the safe side.

It was evening by the time they got back and made their way to their dorm room. Not five seconds after entering and dropping their bags, there was a knock on the door. Shawn watched Cory and Topanga embrace like they hadn't seen each other in three days, and then he bent to kiss her. Shawn turned away, his blood cold. This was what he'd feared and known was coming. The trip was over. He started searching for his English assignment buried on his desk.

"Hi Shawn," Topanga said brightly, and he turned back, swallowing all of his emotions. He smiled at her waving at him, welcoming him back.

"Hey Topanga," he said easily, raising a hand in greeting.

"Okay, I have some things I want to polish off on my paper for tomorrow. I'll see you guys in the morning," she said, withdrawing back to her own room. Shawn saw the smile on Cory's face as he turned from the door, and he was forcefully reminded that he was not the only person in his best friend's life like he'd been able to pretend for the weekend. Cory's smile faded ever so slightly when he looked up at Shawn, and he suddenly found unpacking very interesting. Shawn thought maybe if he tried, he could find a way to make himself not exist. He didn't want to cause Cory grief; he just wanted his friend, and to be as comfortable together as what they'd always been. Almost any sacrifice was worth that assurance. 

As the semester wore on, Shawn found it harder to keep the focus that he'd had in the beginning. He kept wishing he could go and have the wilderness of Vermont inspire him again, to sit by that stream, or in the cabin he'd conjured in his imagination. He settled for a corner of the library where he could feel alone and concentrate. It was better than his dorm room, where Cory seemed to like to study. He wasn't avoiding Cory, he wasn't. It was just...easier...not to be around him. Shawn was a master of hiding his emotions and he was learning that he was even capable of hiding them from himself.

 

What had happened between him and Cory had been fun while they were on their mini vacation, he came to the conclusion, but that wasn't real life. Real life was Cory and Topanga being crazy about each other, and Shawn supporting Cory no matter what. He told himself that he hadn't expected anything to be different when they came home, because how could it be? Cory was straight, and engaged, and Shawn was straight and busy with school. What they each needed was each other's friendship, not hormone fueled encounters that could never go anywhere. Shawn kept his head buried in books, and eventually it wasn't as heart wrenching to see Topanga kissing those lips or embracing that body. After all, that was the natural order of things; that was what Shawn had known for years.

Cory and Topanga tried to draw him out of his shell, including him in time spent together as much as their couple status would allow, as they'd always done. Shawn relented here and there, but usually Angela was around now as well. To be honest, though, seeing her wasn't any worse than seeing Cory. Except when he could tell she was watching him. Lately it seemed like she was always the one sitting next to him, and Shawn started thinking if she did want to get back together, what would be the harm? Maybe it was what he needed; a distraction. So when she finally got brave enough to take his hand after brushing it one day, he held on and threw her a smile. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cory pause and then put on a smile of his own. 

Making out with Angela was just as good as Shawn remembered, which was a relief. Cory and Topanga fully supported this new development, denying they'd been trying to push the two in this direction, but Shawn wasn't so sure. He also didn't care. Angela was sweet and strong, not too clingy, and didn't have any reserves about getting physical. Now that they had the relative privacy of the dorms, there was the opportunity for them to get closer than they'd been able to previously. After a couple weeks of being back together, Shawn started making sure he kept condoms in his nightstand. Cory was often across the hall in the girls' dorm room with Topanga, leaving Shawn and Angela to themselves. Which was just fine with them. Shawn was enjoying the warmth and softness of Angela's body, thinking he could be okay with this.

One evening three weeks into the refreshed relationship, they were heavily making out on top of Shawn's bed, and Angela was all but ripping his clothes off. She was on top of him, grinding her groin into him hard, and he had her hands up her shirt, just about to slip it off of her, when the door opened. Shawn froze, throwing his head to the side to see Cory had just stepped into the room. He was frozen in place too, his face turning red.

"Sorry...I just needed to grab...sorry," he mumbled. He crossed to his desk in a few long strides, picked up a book off of it, and was back at the still open door in a few seconds. Shawn stared at Cory, Angela still rubbing against him. It seemed like Cory looked back at him in spite of himself, and their eyes met. Shawn's heart lurched, and then Cory slipped out of the room, closing the door quickly behind him.

"Shawn..." Angela begged, running her hand along his jaw to try to reclaim his attention. He looked back at her, her eyes half shut, her lips swollen from his kisses, exuding lust. His hands were still both up the back of her shirt, a few fingers on her bra clasp. He closed his own eyes for a moment and sighed, then slowly slid his hands down, fixing the hem of her shirt as slid them out of it. Her eyes now opened all the way and she collapsed her weight on top of him in frustration. They could both feel the sudden lack of Shawn's erection.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked as she picked herself up and sat up on the other side of the bed. "Don't you want to get laid?"

Shawn opened his mouth to say of course, because hadn't he wanted to since at least sixteen, but instead, "Maybe not right now," came out instead. Angela returned that with a shrewd look. Then she glanced up at the door, her expression turning thoughtful.

"If anybody else but Cory had come through that door, would you have stopped?" she asked. What kind of a question was that? It was their dorm room, who else would be waltzing in? But Shawn knew the answer was no. He shouldn't have cared who saw them, he had a beautiful girl that he cared about ready to go all the way with him. But Cory was different. Cory was always the exception. His silence was all the answer Angela needed.

""If I didn't know better, I'd say you want to be with him instead of me," she said lightheartedly. Shawn arranged a smile on his face.

"Yeah," he attempted a chuckle, playing on how everyone knew they were unusually close. Angela was studying him, her head at a tilt, deep brown eyes boring into him.

"Does he know?" she asked quietly. Shawn looked up at her at this, taking in how calm she was, and that she was dead serious.

"Know what?" Shawn's voice rose. "What do you mean?" But he saw he wasn't fooling her. He felt trapped but Angela's gaze was steady and soft.

"I see how you look at him," she said. "And how he looks at you sometimes. It's actually really cute." Easy for you to say, thought Shawn. He didn't know how to respond. Did she really know? Was it that obvious? Did she really see Cory looking at him too? He realized that Angela was turning into a casualty and looked up her miserably.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for me, hun. I had a decent idea going in this time," she told him.

"You can't tell Topanga," Shawn said suddenly, eyes wide. "She doesn't know, does she?"

"Not as far as I know. I want to say she wouldn't be surprised, but I don't think she'd be able to believe that it's real and not just you two, you know, the way you always are. But I won't tell her."

"Good. Because that's all it can be, is the way we always are," Shawn said.

"You're in a pickle, aren't you?" Angela's brow furrowed in concern for him. Shawn didn't have a good answer for this. Welcome to his life.

 

"What the hell was that?" Shawn greeted Cory later when he came back to the dorm room. Shawn had gone to the student lounge for coffee after Angela had left and stewed. How dare Cory have this much of an effect on his life? Shawn finally makes it to college, studying subjects he likes, surrounded by hot girls with loose morals, with the most freedom he's ever known, and Cory has to be so damn distracting. Cory was the one that started this, Cory was the one that touched him first, that kissed him first, that took him on the trip in the first place. What right did he have to throw Shawn into this tumult?

Cory twisted around in his seat at his desk, eyes wide at the verbal attack.

"What?"

"Don't act like you don't know," Shawn said, standing in the middle of the room. "Earlier. You could have at least knocked."

"You didn't hang a rubber band on the door," Cory replied defensively. "How was I supposed to know?" 

"Just because Topanga won't let you past first base doesn't mean the rest of us can't get there," Shawn said scathingly. He watched Cory's expression flare in anger and shame. "We were in here alone, you should have known."

"Well, to some of us there's more to life and relationships than sex," Cory shot back. "Geez, I'm not allowed in my own room anymore?" Shawn didn't have a response to that, and deflated a bit. Cory's expression softened as he looked at him. Fights between them never lasted long.

"I am sorry, Shawnie," Cory said quietly. "It's your room too. I'll be more careful in the future." Shawn's eyes steeled over as he ignored what his heart was doing.

"Don't call me that," he said coldly, and was out the door again.

 

That weekend Shawn went to his first dorm party, armed with his leather jacket and tightest pair of jeans. He'd decided there were other things to do besides study and be irritated with his best friend. There were a lot of other people in the world, and they didn't demand nearly as much out of him. This was exactly the kind of party Cory had referred to when they'd been talking in Vermont, with loud music, booze, and hot girls. Maybe it was time for a little of the old Shawn Hunter to come out and play, he thought as he took a tentative sip of rum and coke. This wasn't bad, not like drinking whiskey straight as they'd tried to in high school. Sure, he'd promised Cory he wouldn't drink anymore, but that was last year. He wouldn't get out of control; he just wanted to have a good time. He took another sip and smiled at the redhead that was walking by as an AC/DC song came on.

Later on, tequila shots stung a bit more than the mixed drinks, or the whiskey Shawn remembered, but Chase, the host, had laid them out and he couldn't say no. He was a few rum and cokes in by now anyway, he'd lost count. A brunette bombshell was watching him as they slammed their shot glasses down. She had that predatory look in her eye that Shawn would recognize anywhere, and the next thing he knew she was right beside him.

"You're cute," she murmured, leaning in close, since the music had been turned up. The background noise of people drunkenly shouting and a game of beer pong faded in Shawn's ears. Of all the girls he'd flirted with tonight, this one was by far the hottest, so he gladly moved closer to her and asked her name. He couldn't tell if she said Maria or Marissa, but decided with that short of a skirt on, it didn't really matter. She was wearing what smelled like expensive perfume, and the heady scent filled Shawn's nostrils as he bent to meet her lips, his nineteen year old blood pumping with the bass.


	11. Chapter 11

Some time later, Shawn found himself in front of his dorm room door, alone and weaving. He had no idea what time it was, but he knew it had to be after midnight. He'd just sneak in and go to bed, quiet as a mouse. He opened the door and proceeded to trip over the lower part of it as he was turning, his bed being behind the door. He froze and looked over at the lump that was Cory; good, he hadn't moved. Shawn gingerly finished closing the door, only falling into it slightly once he took his hand off the knob. His ears were roaring oddly and it was like he could hear each of his heartbeats. 

He smiled to himself as he stayed leaning against the door, soaking in the night's festivities. The way Maria or Marissa's kisses had devoured him, how her legs and ass had felt under that skirt, the sight of her lacy bra as she'd slowly unbuttoned her blouse for him. The dimness of the lights as he hovered over her on some couch somewhere. Her fingers in his hair, her breath in his ear, and the hormones surging through his body. He couldn't quite remember how far they'd gone, but he knew he'd had to zip up and button his pants when he shakily stood up. She'd grabbed a pen out of someone's backpack laying nearby and written her number on his hand. 

"Call me," she'd purred, and gently bit his earlobe in farewell. He'd stumbled away from her and towards a door, high fiving a hand that appeared in front of him at some point. He had to search around for his jacket before he found it on a pretty blonde in another room. Had he made out with her at some point? He couldn't remember. She slipped his jacket off when he demanded it, pouting. Suddenly Shawn was tired off of all of this, and he made his way towards what he hoped was the hallway, ignoring the coupled and non-coupled bodies on beds and couches and the floor as he went.

Now he used the last effort that he had to shove himself off the door and turn towards his bed. He wanted to flop into it but his stomach only allowed him to ease his body down, face meeting the comforter. Stillness and quiet was nice. Why was the room spinning? Shawn groaned and attempted to roll over onto his back but he only got halfway. This would work, he thought as he tried closing his eyes again. Nope, still spinning. He was aware of his mouth filling with saliva all of a sudden and instinctively moved his head over the edge of the bed. Out of nowhere, his garbage can appeared in front of him to retch into, and there was a hand on his shoulder.

"Shawnie. Are you okay?" Cory's voice floated, full of concern, into his ears. Shawn could only groan again and hang his head further into the can. "That's good, get it out," Cory said. "You'll feel better afterwards." As he emptied it, his stomach did stop roiling but he still felt horrible. Never again, Shawn vowed to himself. He was now able to bring his head up and start to crawl towards his pillow. Cory disappeared and the door opened and closed.

Shawn was just about asleep when he felt his jacket being slipped off of his shoulders. His boots had already been taken off, so he pulled his legs up to help Cory get him under the covers. Cory wouldn't quite let him lay all the way down yet though, supporting his upper back. A glass of water was being pressed into his hand. 

"Drink this before you pass out." Shawn obeyed, and his mouth and throat felt ten times better after he'd gulped the water. Then he was allowed to lay down, and Cory drew his blanket up around his chin. Shawn felt his friend's hand tenderly smooth his hair back from his sweaty forehead and tuck it behind his ear. He remembered the last time the same person had done that to his hair, and irrationally hoped that Cory would kiss him the same way he had then. Cory did lean down, and Shawn let out a sighing groan when he felt Cory's lips, not on his own lips, but pressing gently to his forehead for a moment. Then a soothing cold wet washcloth replaced the lips, and Cory squeezed Shawn's shoulder through the blanket and was gone. Shawn was asleep within seconds.

When he woke or rather, vaguely surfaced back to consciousness, his head was pounding. This was reminiscent of the first time he'd gotten drunk, but much worse. He didn't want to move, but he forced himself to lift his neck and look around. The wet washcloth was gone. Cory wasn't in the room, but there was another glass of water on Shawn's bedside table, as well as a glass of orange juice, an egg and sausage breakfast sandwich, and two aspirins on a napkin. Shawn's mouth half lifted in a smile. He gratefully took the aspirin and downed the orange juice. His stomach wasn't sure about food yet, but knowing he probably should eat, he made it through most of the sandwich. Then he rolled back over and slept some more.

The next time he was aware of things, Cory was setting a paper plate with a slice of pizza on it on his table, a fresh glass of water, and a small bottle of Gatorade. Shawn pretended he was still asleep even though he could feel his friend watching him. He could smell that girl's perfume on himself and knew Cory would have smelled it too. He hated to think what a rumpled mess he must look like. He had broken a promise to Cory, and here Cory was, taking care of him, and, well, loving him. Shawn knew that was just the kind of guy that he was, that he'd never let anyone suffer if he could help it, but Shawn had been a dick to him lately, and he didn't have to be doing any of this. He allowed himself to pretend that Cory might lay down next to him, even though he knew he wasn't going to, until Cory slipped out of the room again.

Shawn immediately sat up and devoured the pizza. Physically at least, he was feeling a lot better. After eating, he grabbed his shower stuff and headed across the hall into the bathroom. He studied himself in the mirror for a moment before undressing. His button down shirt had been re-buttoned unevenly, and was covered in wrinkles. His fly was half undone. His hair stuck up in every direction, and what was that on his neck? Oh great, smeared lipstick and a hickey. As he brought his hands up to run them through his hair, his eye landed on the number written on his palm, the last two digits slightly blurred but still discernible, if he wanted them to be. He got in the shower and scoured his entire body. 

Cory was lounging on his own bed when he returned to the room, a book open and his brow wrinkled. He looked up at Shawn. 

"Feeling better?"

Shawn nodded.

"Thanks," he said simply. Cory returned the nod and looked back at his book, closing the interaction. Shawn picked up his notebook and poured out the million words he couldn't say to the boy only feet away from him into its pages.

 

Everybody was soon looking forward to getting away from the school for the long Thanksgiving weekend, except perhaps Topanga, who was already talking about finals. They all needed the break though, and this time each of the friends went to their respective homes. Shawn and Angela parted with a warm hug, wishing each other a happy Thanksgiving. Shawn was glad that things did not seem weird between them and that they had been able to stay friends. He spared himself the sight of Cory and Topanga saying goodbye to each other, even though he kept telling himself he wasn't bothered by seeing them make out.

Shawn and Cory were traveling back to their suburb of Philly together, but Shawn was going to spend the holiday with his parents. The car ride was spent talking about which classes they were registering for when they got back, then Cory dropped Shawn off at the trailer park.

"Thanks for the ride, Cor. Happy Thanksgiving," Shawn said warmly in farewell.

"Happy Thanksgiving, man," Cory returned, his eyes studying his friend thoughtfully. Shawn exited the car before he could have labeled the look affectionate.

It was good and frustrating at the same time to be back at the trailer. It was home, and Shawn was able to turn his brain off for awhile and veg out for the weekend, but Chet and Virna's quiet fights hadn't resolved and Shawn realized how much he hadn't missed that. They did have a good meal, and Shawn attempted to watch football with his old man, though he didn't have much interest in it. All in all, he was rather glad when Cory's car pulled up again to take them back to school. As soon as he'd buckled himself in, though, he wished he could get away from the slight undercurrent of tension that existed between them now. Was there nowhere Shawn could just feel comfortable?

He started looking for a part time job when they returned to the campus, the looming thought of more classes getting added to his loans and the books that he would need for the next semester demanding some planning. After that party, he also thought something to keep him busy might be the best thing. He ended up at a pizzeria a block away from the school, and though he wasn't excited about the work, it kept him busy and the money was okay.

"You gotta get at least a day off to come spend Christmas with us," Cory told him during finals week. Truthfully, Shawn had been planning on working through the holiday break, and he'd already arranged with Eric, Jack, and Rachel that he could stay at their apartment, since they'd all be with their families. He was looking forward to having the place to himself for a few weeks. "I want you to be there when we announce the engagement," Cory said. They were sitting on the couch in the student lounge, leaning over their respective books. Topanga sat behind Cory, smiling hopefully at Shawn, as if she wasn't contributing to his constantly broken heart. They made a beautiful couple.

Shawn looked into Cory's eyes, and he didn't think he was imagining the fear that lurked there, and he knew he wasn't imagining the need for his own acceptance. If he said no, that he wouldn't come, he was certain it would be a point of no return between them. He could draw the line in the sand here, start distancing himself like he dimly knew would happen anyway once Cory and Topanga eventually tied the knot. It would be easy and in the interest of self preservation, by all rights he should say no.

"I'll be there," he promised them, smiling back.

Shawn took the train on Christmas Eve day, only being willing and able to take that day and Christmas itself off from the pizzeria. He had to admit it was wonderful being back at the Matthews; Cory's parents were warm and welcoming, genuinely glad to see him. Eric was like the brother he'd never had, before Jack anyway, who Shawn didn't think he'd ever feel close with. They hadn't even discussed spending the holiday together, Jack had just flown home to his mother. Morgan had grown about a foot taller and gotten even more sassy. When it was time to decorate the tree that evening, Shawn was handed ornaments to hang as if he'd lived in the house all his life.

After dinner but before Mr. Feeny's annual tradition of reading A Christmas Carol, Cory made sure everybody was in the living room. He and Topanga stood up by the front door and all eyes went to them. Shawn stood across the room from them, by the door that led to the kitchen. He was curious to watch everyone's reactions. Topanga was wearing the tinsel garland headband she'd made herself earlier. Her eyes glowed with excitement and she resembled a Christmas angel. Cory looked nervous but Shawn could see he had steeled himself.

"Topanga and I are engaged," he blurted out, almost making the words all one. Then he winced as if he was waiting for a bomb to explode. Mr. and Mrs. Matthews turned to look at each other, their expressions uncertain but not upset.

"I knew it, I knew it!" blurted Eric from next to the tree. Morgan looked rather uninterested. Mr. Feeny stood up and shook Cory's hand.

"Congratulations, you two," he said warmly. Mr. and Mrs. Matthews followed his lead and hugged their son and his fiancee. If they had any misgivings, they were at least not going to share them at the moment. Shawn watched Cory visibly relax and keep himself glued to Topanga's hand the rest of the evening. He'd already said his congratulations and he wasn't sure he could do it again, so he kept quiet. He did give the couple a warm smile when they glanced his way. They would have a good life together, Shawn knew they would, he just hoped it would be awhile yet before he had to watch them actually get married.


	12. Chapter 12

Shawn woke up later in the middle of the night, tossing and turning on the pull out cot in Cory and Eric's room. It wasn't the most comfortable thing, and Eric tended to snore a bit louder than Cory, as well as talk in his sleep. Shawn rolled over and noticed Cory wasn't in his bed. He figured he must be down in the living room where Topanga was sleeping on the couch, and tried to go back to sleep. After readjusting twice, he was still unsuccessful and crept out to get a drink of water from the bathroom. 

He was curious if Cory was sleeping downstairs with her, because Shawn figured if he was, he'd just steal his friend's bed for the remainder of the night. He started tiptoeing down the stairs with the intent of peeking and seeing. He stopped when he found Cory sitting on the landing, knees drawn up and facing the living room. The Christmas tree lights had been left on, as was the Matthews' tradition, to welcome Santa Claus, and they bathed the room, and Cory's face, in a warm glow. Cory heard Shawn's footsteps and turned to look at him over his shoulder.

"Hey, Shawn-," he stopped himself before he added the syllable at the end that made it the nickname that he'd been told to stop calling his friend. Cory had only used the name that night that Shawn had been drunk, otherwise he'd been careful to follow his request. Shawn wished he hadn't told him that now, but didn't know how to undo it. 

"What are you doing up, Cor?" he whispered, lowering himself to the carpet to sit next to his friend. Cory rather looked like a lost little boy waiting for Santa to truly come. His gaze returned to the back of the couch, and Shawn followed suit, even though they couldn't see Topanga from where they sat.

"Just thinking," he replied, then paused. "This went better than I thought it was going to."

"What did you think?" Shawn asked him. "That your parents would freak out and forbid it or something? You two have already been together forever. I don't think it was a huge surprise."

"I don't know," Cory said, "Maybe I wanted them to have some sort of issue with it, you know? It's like it was just too easy."

"They know you're meant for each other," Shawn said. "And that it's just a matter of time." 

"Do you think we are, Shawn?" Cory asked. Why must he be doing this, thought Shawn. Because he's Cory and he needs validation on everything, he answered himself, and that's my job.

"Of course I do," Shawn swallowed the lump in his throat as he said this. "You know I do." Yes, he loved Cory, he wanted to wrap his arms around him right now, and he was having a horribly difficult time ignoring the fact that there was mistletoe hanging over them. But if he confessed that love, right here, right now, it wouldn't gain them anything. Even if Cory had feelings for him like that, and Shawn knew that he must, at least somewhat, what could change? He loved Topanga like that more, and that was all there was to it. Shawn saw the look in Cory's eyes whenever she walked into the room, like he was looking at the couch now, though his expression was tinged with uncertainty for the future. Cory and Shawn might love each other, but Cory and Topanga were in love with each other.

Shawn wasn't the type to fall in love with anyone, he didn't want or need that. The closest he'd come was Angela and that had been a nice ride while it lasted. All of his emotions that could go to such a romantic notion could be channeled into his writing, and he was fine with that. He would be the sidekick all of Cory's life, lending moral support and encouragement, eventually spoiling their kids, there with the motorcycle when Cory went through his midlife crisis, and they could end up as those two old men playing checkers in the quiet diner. Just without the hat.

Cory smiled at him, comforted by his friend's steadfastness, and scooted his body closer to Shawn. He leaned his head down on Shawn's shoulder, and Shawn wanted to either blow up at him in frustration or put his arm around him and draw him closer. He fought both urges, and just leaned his head against Cory's. 

"I just hope I can be what she needs," he said now. "Sometimes it seems like we fight so much, like I can't be good enough for her." Shawn had of course noticed this; Topanga was a perfectionist, always had been, and she had high expectations of people.

"She's just trying to get you to be your best," Shawn tried to put a positive spin on it.

"I know," Cory sighed. "Sometimes I just wish she wasn't so intense. Like, that's going to be my life and I hope I can handle it."

"Cold feet already?" Shawn joked. He would let himself indulge in the little fantasies that allowed him to imagine a world where he and Cory could be together. There was no true harm in that right?

"Maybe a little," Cory said. "But if you think we can make it, then I know we can." 

 

The next day Mrs. Matthews presented Topanga with her own mother's engagement ring, making Topanga cry. Shawn fleetingly wondered why Cory hadn't bought her one by now, and realized that Cory hadn't worked since last summer at the docks, and he'd used that money for something else. Why hadn't he bought Topanga a ring instead? It was pushed out of his mind in the general excitement of Christmas and the opening of gifts. With his new job, Shawn had been able to afford to get everybody at least something small this year, and he was enjoying that.

He hadn't been sure what to get Cory at first, but he'd found something that he hoped he'd like. As Cory peeled the paper back, Shawn watched his eyes light up. It was a framed photograph of a bull moose in his prime, standing on the edge of a lake, surrounded by green trees.

"Wish we could have gotten a picture of the one we saw, so this'll have to do," Shawn said.

"It's awesome!" Cory beamed at his friend, and they shared a silent moment full of memories of that day in the woods.

Then he was handing him a present, and Shawn muttered that he hadn't had to get him anything. He unwrapped it, aware that Cory was watching him closely. It was the book of poetry and quotes from the shop in Vermont that he'd been ogling. Shawn cradled it in his hands, staring down at it, remembering that day and how Cory's hand had fallen on his hip and his chin had rested on his shoulder as he looked over the book for the first time. How that had only been just over two months ago?

"Cor-," he said, looking up at him with wide eyes.

"Merry Christmas. Shawnie." Cory added the nickname, sensing that something had healed between them the night before. Shawn bit his lip to keep from crushing Cory in a hug.

"That's a beautiful book!" Topanga exclaimed, and Shawn turned to her gratefully to show it off.

He had to leave the next morning in order to be back for his shift at noon, and a part of him wished he didn't have to. But responsibility called, and Shawn felt good about making money. He'd been able to get almost forty hours a week over the break, and he wanted to take advantage of that. He and Cory parted with a hug, Shawn relishing every second of it, refusing to feel guilty. They wouldn't see each other for another two weeks before the next semester started, and they'd never gone that long before.

"Hey, don't trash the place while you're there," Eric told him, handing over the keys to the apartment.

"You sure you'll be okay by yourself for that long?" Mrs. Matthews said. Shawn assured her he would be, but he found the money she must have slipped into his bag on the train ride back, with a note that it was for groceries and to call if he needed anything. Between working full time, having a longer walk to the pizzeria from the apartment, and enjoying living alone for the first time in his life, two weeks passed pretty quickly. Shawn realized that this was it, he was pretty much an adult now. Holding down a job, making his own decisions, free to do what he wanted when he wanted; this was the life. Going back to the dorms when break was over would have felt like a let down if Cory hadn't been there.

Shawn had picked up a photography course for the new semester, remembering how he'd enjoyed working for the one back home. Otherwise he was still all about English and writing. Cory was taking two history courses this time around, of all things, along with an ethics course, an English class, and an algebra class. Topanga had her classes that would get her at least closer to a law degree, predestined before she'd even made her schedule. Too much work for Shawn. He could take pictures, develop them, and spin words. If he ended up with a degree from that, he wouldn't complain.

This semester did challenge them all a little more; the work was a bit harder and the stakes higher. Topanga seemed to permanently bury herself in the library, and even Cory was hitting the books harder than Shawn had ever seen. He would often be up studying when Shawn would get back late from the pizzeria. Shawn would work on his current project or paper for an hour or two, and invariably look over to see that Cory had fallen asleep with the light on. Shawn would gather his papers and notes for him, mark his place in his book, and transfer everything to Cory's desk before laying a blanket over him and turning out his light. Sometimes he'd treat himself to laying a kiss on his head, but he always resisted climbing in bed with him.

The stress started wearing on all of them after awhile. On a rare weekend that Shawn wasn't working, the friends were able to hang out like they used to. Topanga, Angela, and Rachel were deep in discussion on the couch in the student lounge, and Cory and Shawn were playing a game of pool. Shawn was realizing how much he seemed to have missed by staying so busy, as he wasn't sure how much he had seen Cory and Topanga interact since he had come down to join them.

"You look exhausted, man," Cory told him after taking another unsuccessful shot. "You're trying to do too much." Shawn shrugged.

"Better than being stupid on the weekends like I could be," he countered, glancing up at Cory, knowing his friend would remember that night. Cory had gracefully never said a word about it, for which Shawn was infinitely thankful. Cory gave him a lop sided smile, then put a hand on his shoulder. Shawn hardly noticed anymore how his heart sped up when he and Cory were in this close of proximity to each other.

"Just take care of yourself, okay," Cory told him, looking into his eyes. Shawn nodded. He loved Cory for looking out for him.

Between the next round of shots, Shawn asked Cory, "So what's up with you and Topanga?"

"Nothing," came the abrupt answer, spoken to the pool table as Cory surveyed his next move. Shawn could tell this was a clear ruse, but decided to attempt to forge ahead anyway.

"I mean, you just don't seem as close..." Shawn said gently.

"We're fine," Cory insisted curtly, still not looking up at his friend. "Just, worried about classes." 

"Well, you know you can vent to me anytime," Shawn told him, attempting to catch Cory's eye again. He'd never not shared every detail of his relationship with Shawn before, but he'd never been engaged before. Maybe things naturally had to change.

"I know," Cory said, lifting his mouth in a grim half smile. As they continued their game, Shawn reflected that how was he supposed to expect Cory to come to him with stuff if this was the first time he'd been available to really talk to his friend in weeks? He'd been so focused on keeping himself busy and away from Cory, wanting to give him space, that they'd barely had a real conversation since Christmas. And he knew that it was not just for the sake of giving him space, or to keep himself out of trouble on the weekends, that Shawn was burning the candle from both ends. For the most part, he had been able to not obsess over Cory this last month or so, and that had been a relief. He would not pine over something he could not have. But in distracting and distancing himself, had he become a bad friend? He silently resolved to try to be around more, as he set the table up for Cory's next shot to be an easy one for him.

In the coming weeks, as Shawn made a point to spend more time around him, he imagined that Cory did seem to perk up a little. Angela took him aside between classes one day.

"It's about time you came back around," she told him. "He needs you, you know."


	13. Chapter 13

Shawn started dragging Cory to the library, to give him a fresh place to study, and here they'd sit whenever Shawn could, poring over their respective studies, enjoying each other's silent companionship sitting across from each other. One day Cory's foot bumped against Shawn's, and Shawn thought it was on accident until it stayed there. He glanced up at the same time that Cory did, then both quickly dropped their eyes to their papers again.

The next week, Cory shared that he thought he was going to fail his algebra class.

"You're never going to use that stuff anyway," Shawn told him.

"Yeah, but it's going to kill my grade point average," Cory lamented. "I suck at math." Was this Cory or Topanga he was talking to, Shawn thought, worried about their grade point average?

"And I can't help you there," Shawn said. Math had never been his strong suit either. "Why'd you take it anyway?" 

"She thought I should," was the reply. "She said I should mix my classes up, really challenge myself." Shawn bit his lip to keep from saying what he might about this situation. Should he stay silent, though? He didn't want to see his best friend overworked and this stressed for something that wasn't even his idea.

"Cor, it's okay to not take classes you don't like, you know that, right?" he said, a slight joking tone to his voice but he was all seriousness. 

"I know," Cory sighed. "It's just that I was so undecided on what to take back then, I had to pick something." The two friends sat without speaking for a few moments, then Cory ventured, "What would you say if I said I was thinking I might want to be a teacher?"

Shawn thought for a second, then half smiled and said, "I think I'd start calling you Feeny Junior." For this he received a gentle kick to his sneaker under the table. "Actually I could see it," he added, tilting his head and trying to imagine Cory at the front of a classroom.

"Yeah?" his friend asked, clearly looking for Shawn's approval.

"Just make sure it's what you want, and no one else's idea," Shawn warned, a thought having just occurred to him. Cory's smile faded just a touch, though he tried hard to hide it, and he nodded. They then both buckled down on their studying again, Shawn trying to dissect Shakespeare and Cory touching up on the finer points of the Civil War.

No matter how hard he tried, and really, he wasn't trying that hard anymore, Shawn couldn't help but be distracted by Cory's hands turning the pages, the way he gripped his pencil, or the furrow that grew on his brow when he was really focusing. He could tell this was a subject that Cory actually liked, and he loved watching how intent he was. Cory licked his lips and started silently mouthing words, oblivious to Shawn's eyes on him. He'd gotten his hair trimmed recently so it was more fuzz than true curls; it didn't tickle Shawn's nose as much when he'd sneak laying a kiss on his head after Cory fell asleep. 

Cory's left hand lay gently curled around the top corner of his textbook, resting on the light wood grain of the library table. Shakespeare long forgotten, Shawn let himself imagine what Cory would do if Shawn were to reach out and hook those fingers with his own. He let himself pretend that he would simply curl his fingers around Shawn's and hold his hand, and they would go on studying like that. Cory scratched his neck with his pen and noticed his friend hadn't moved a page. Shawn quickly dropped his eyes back down to his book and tried to refocus them on the words.

"What were you looking at?" Cory asked, and Shawn looked back up in time to see the slight blush that Cory couldn't hide. His own cheeks felt warm. He'd thought he'd gotten good enough that he usually got away with his covert staring and day dreaming.

"Nothing," it was Shawn's turn to bluff. "Just zoning out. I need this class for one after it, but man, Shakespeare's boring." 

Cory raised his eyebrows and nodded sympathetically, but then said, "I thought you liked Shakespeare. You liked being in that play in high school anyway." Shawn felt his face heating up again. Leave it to Cory to remember that.

Shawn wished he could scream, wished he could tell Cory, "You! I was looking at you! You're gorgeous and all I can think about is how you kissed me and do you kiss her the same way and every night I want to crawl in your bed and cuddle like we did in Vermont but I can't because I love you too much and I don't want to ruin your relationship and your life!" 

"Shawn?" He heard his name and brought himself back, shaking his head. How much longer could he walk this line and not go insane? "Now that was zoning out," Cory said. 

"Yeah," Shawn sighed.

"You know if there's anything you need to talk about, I'm here, right?" Cory told him. "That's a two way street." Shawn nodded slowly. And he knew Cory meant it. Except for the one little thing that's taken over my life, he thought, that's the only thing I can't talk to you about. He picked his pen back up and readjusted his notebook. Before he bent back over his work, though, Shawn looked over at Cory directly this time, who was finding his place on his page and glanced back up when he felt Shawn's eyes on him.

"I want to go back to Vermont," Shawn said wistfully. His heartbeat thudded twice, wondering if Cory would pick up on what he meant. The fuzzy headed boy kept staring at his book for a moment, expression blank as far as Shawn could tell. Then he looked up at Shawn and a lopsided, bittersweet smile hung on his lips. 

"Me too," he said. Then he returned to the Civil War, leaving Shawn to listen to his own heartbeat.

 

"You cannot fail a class!" Topanga was saying. "That's going to look so bad on your record!" Shawn watched Cory get reprimanded in the student lounge, knowing there was nothing he could say or do.

"I know," Cory mumbled. "I just don't like the subject, is that so wrong?"

"This is just the start of our adult life. Is this how you're going to handle everything? If you don't like it, you're just not going to do it?" Wow, she was good at overreacting, Shawn thought from his vantage point of two seats away. 

"Of course not," Cory said. "I have been trying, I just can't get it." Suddenly Topanga turned sympathetic. She frowned at him and gave him puppy dog eyes. 

"What if I help you?" she offered. "Maybe we can still salvage it if we work hard enough at it."

"Sure, I guess," Cory replied. Shawn couldn't see from where he was, but he knew Cory's eyes had rolled. As he and Topanga hunkered down over the algebra book, Shawn wished he could whisk his best friend away. At least Topanga was willing to help him, but it was her fault that he was in this mess to begin with! And did it really matter if he failed one stupid class? He could pick the credits up next semester with something that didn't suck as bad. But that was Topanga; happiest when she felt she was better than those around her, especially Cory.

Shawn told himself to stop thinking negatively about her; he could not let how he felt about Cory taint his opinion of Topanga. She really was good for him, she gave him a direction that he otherwise might have trouble finding, and he was the sort of person that needed to be taken care of. Much as Shawn loved him, it was true. She was more than capable of that, and most of the time anyway, she made him so happy. She could have up and left for greener pastures and gone to Yale, but she was here with Cory, helping him with an intro algebra class. Didn't that just feed her need to feel superior, Shawn asked himself, then yelled at himself to stop again. No, she had a good and pure heart, he knew this, and he was honestly glad that his best friend was with someone so smart and ambitious, as well as beautiful. He could get petty and find faults with her, but he knew at the end of the day he could not hate Topanga in order to make his fantasies about Cory more convenient. There might be days he wanted to, but he wouldn't let himself.

Midterms came and went, Cory squeaked by with a barely passing grade in his problem class, Topanga became a bit less bipolar afterwards, and Shawn fed them pizza from work to keep their spirits up. It looked like they might make it through their second semester to whatever was beyond that. Shawn and Angela had started a few times a week ritual of having coffee in the lounge together in the morning before classes.

"How you holding up?" she would ask him, and he would say, "Okay," knowing she meant more than just school and work. It was nice to know somebody cared, knew and cared. He knew he could talk to her about his feelings for Cory if he wanted to, but he honestly couldn't see much of a point. He reserved his emotions for his journal, late at night, when he had time. The more one talked about something, the more real it became, and he was good with keeping it behind the curtain of fantasy. Sooner or later Cory would marry Topanga, and Shawn figured it would be easier to detach himself then. Not living in the same dorm room would probably help. Shawn both looked forward to and dreaded the future.

"So what are your plans for next semester?" he asked Angela. It was almost time to register for classes already.

"I'm...going to take some acting classes actually," she told him. "I like English and the humanities, but I think I want to explore more hands on drama. I'll try one at community college over the summer before I set anything in stone but it intrigues me."

"That's cool," Shawn encouraged. He could totally see her on a stage.

"And you're going to be Mr. Hunter, English professor, huh?" she asked. Shawn scoffed.

"Nah, I don't think so. Not for me. Cor's talking about being a teacher now, but I kinda just want to write and be a bum."

"Writing suits you," Angela said.

"Thanks. I mean, I know it's not a real career, but it's the only thing that really sounds good to learn about, you know? That and taking pictures. I do sound like a bum." Shawn laughed at himself.

"No, you sound like you could be a journalist," Angela countered intently. "You should try submitting some stuff to papers and magazines. You never know." That was two people now that thought he really should try to make a career out of the words he jotted down. He was doing well in his writing classes and one of his professors had also started hinting at things. Maybe this could be real, he thought.

"I want to tell you something, but you can't tell Cory," Angela said now. 

"Um. Okay," Shawn replied.

"It's about Topanga, and depending on how things go, as his best friend, you should know but it's nothing he needs to know now. Does that make sense?" Shawn guessed so. Angela had kept his secret from her best friend, he could do the same.

"She's talking to Yale again," Angela said flatly, quietly, after looking around to make sure no one else who knew the people in question were nearby. Shawn sipped his cappuccino and took this in for a moment. 

"Good. She needs to be. She should have gone in the first place." Angela gave him a look that caused him to add, "I'm serious. For her. Not for...any other reason. Cory wanted her to go."

"But did he really?" Angela asked. "I think we both know he'd be devastated if she actually did."

"He blames himself for her not living up to her potential, I know that. It bugged him for a long time that she didn't go. Probably still does," Shawn shared. 

"You think they'd survive it?" she asked.

"Yeah," Shawn said, without missing a beat. "They have the strongest relationship I've ever seen. They can survive anything." Angela studied him for a moment. She looked like she might be about to ask him questions that he wouldn't want to answer.

All she said was, "One of the strongest, that's for sure. But you can't tell him. She needs the space to think about this without his influence." Shawn nodded, he understood. "And if she does go, he's going to need his best friend like never before," she added. 

It turned out to be harder than he'd thought, though, as conversations started swirling around everyone's plans for the summer and next year. Shawn would see Topanga not partaking in these talks as much, and he was glad he knew why. Cory didn't seem to notice though, he was just looking forward to the end of this semester. Shawn watched him daydream and bit his tongue. In the interest of not slipping up, he noticed himself becoming quieter when he and Cory were alone. Shawn was prone to getting lost in thought anyway, but now he was zoning out at least once per study session. He'd see Cory's look of concern when he'd come back, and he'd smile at him to comfort him, hoping Cory would just blame it on the stress of almost-finals, and not suspect the loads that Shawn was bearing.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for a few lines of Shawn's dialogue in this chapter goes to the band O-Town from their song All Or Nothing, a song that captured my heart and the essence of Cory and Shawn's relationship as this story unfolded. The lyrics were too perfect; I had to put them in here somewhere :) Standard statement that I don't own any rights to the song.

The next Monday, after his last class of the day, Shawn headed back to the dorm room, looking forward to being lazy for awhile. It had been a long weekend at the pizzeria and although he was balancing things well, he still loved the times he could treat himself to doing nothing. When he opened the door, however, that hope was shattered. Cory sat directly across the room on the end of his bed, very still and looking down at something in his hands like he'd just seen a ghost. Shawn followed his gaze and immediately recognized the item Cory was grasping tightly as his own black hardcover journal. Shawn's blood went cold.

Cory's head came up and he stared at his friend like he'd never seen him before. Shawn didn't have to ask if he'd opened the journal and read any of it.

"How dare you!" he yelled, and lunged for the book. Cory started to stand up, perhaps to hand the journal to its owner, but Shawn's arm was already in motion, and what was meant to be a swoop to grab it landed in a cuff on the side of Cory's head. The journal fell to the floor as Cory lost his balance from the unexpected blow. He grabbed for Shawn, trying to catch himself, as Shawn reached for his shoulders. He was either unsuccessful in keeping Cory upright or he threw him on the floor, he was never sure which. He did know that as soon as Cory was down, he was on top of him, holding him against the floor with one hand while he swung with the other. Months of frustration came pouring out. Cory was no weakling, though, and bucked under him wildly, trying to throw him off and getting a hit in now and again. Their grappling was punctuated by things they couldn't have said otherwise.

"How much did you read?" Shawn gave Cory's shoulder a hard shove into the floor.

"Not much, I swear." Cory blocked his face from a punch.

"Why would you do that?" Shawn swatted Cory's head above his ear. He hated himself for hitting him, but at that moment, he hated Cory for invading his privacy.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?!" Shawn gave Cory a hearty shake. 

"I wanted to know what's been going on with you." Cory's leg wrapped around Shawn's and he started to gain some leverage.

"What do you mean?" Shawn had to pause mid-punch at that.

"You haven't wanted to talk to me, and I've been worried about you." Cory took the brief respite to catch his breath. Somehow this response made Shawn angrier.

"Maybe there's things I don't want to talk about." Shawn swung at Cory's ribs. Cory twisted out of the way and got a grip on the arm that Shawn was using to hold him down with.

"Well maybe we should." Cory yanked Shawn's arm to the side suddenly and Shawn lost his balance, his full weight landing on Cory, knocking what breath they had left out of both of them. "We should have then," Cory added, softer now that Shawn's ear was almost against his mouth. Shawn struggled to lift himself up off of Cory's chest, and Cory let him, but he held a firm arm around his back so he couldn't get too far. The two young men looked each other in the eye for a long moment, Shawn's wide and were those tears in Cory's?

"You felt this way all this time and you're the one who didn't want to talk about it?" Cory confirmed, his throat rough.

"What good would it have done?" Shawn's eyes closed and he hung his head down. He was so mad at Cory but how many times had he dreamed of being pressed against him like this again?

"Shawn, look at me," came Cory's voice. Shawn opened his eyes to Cory searching his face like a drowning man searches the open water for a lifeboat. He loved when Cory looked at him like that, so intently. This wasn't fair.

"Shawn, kiss me," Cory was saying now. Shawn had a thought to ask why, to protest, but it died before it could fully form. He'd never thought he'd get this chance again, and to hell with everything, he was going to take it. He crushed Cory's lips under his, knowing he was being too rough and not caring. He needed this; he needed everything that Cory was willing to give him, and Cory gave him free reign. Now the boys grabbed onto each other again, in a different way this time, as lips bruised and tongues danced. When they finally eased off, Shawn realized he was pressing his body forcefully into Cory's, their hard ons meeting and rubbing.

"I fucking want you," he growled in Cory's ear, past caring. Cory shifted both their bodies so that they were more on their sides than him being underneath Shawn. They found each other's eyes again, both their pupils wide.

"I want you too," Cory breathed, as if he was scared to admit it. Shawn dropped his forehead to Cory's shoulder and hugged him tighter. Cory wound himself around Shawn and they held each other like that for a long time, until their elbows were sore from holding themselves up off the floor. When this happened, they simply moved onto Cory's bed behind them, crawling onto the covers and embracing tightly again. Shawn felt like they were making up for lost time and it felt amazing, but he was terrified of someone, namely Topanga, coming through the door.

"I'm sorry I read your journal," Cory broke the silence after they'd been on the bed for a few minutes. "I just really wanted to know what was going on."

"I'm not going to say it's okay," Shawn said. He couldn't say he was all that shocked, thinking about it. It was such a Cory thing to do, to meddle when he was worried about someone he cared about. He still felt betrayed, but he knew he'd be able to forgive Cory eventually. "Are you satisfied now?" 

"Depends on how you mean, satisfied," Cory returned, with a rare smirk. Shawn raised his eyebrows in appreciation of his sauciness. Cory's smirk turned into a grin that Shawn kissed off of him. "I'm glad I know," Cory continued once Shawn had released him. "I'm glad this happened. Even though you bruised my ribs." Cory squirmed and winced a bit.

"I'm not apologizing," Shawn said staidly. "You deserved it." Cory's lack of an answer to this was proof that he agreed. "So why are you glad this happened?" Shawn had to know.

"Because I love you," the answer came. "Because this feels amazing."

"Yeah it does. And I love you too, Cor." Shawn snuggled into him closer. "So what did you read exactly?" He hated to think of it, but he also had to know this.

"How every time you look at me you want to kiss me. How you dream about me, and wish I'd walk around without a shirt on more often." Shawn blushed, even though Cory could barely see his face. "And some other stuff," Cory added, and Shawn felt his ears turn beet red. He'd never meant for those words to be seen by anybody, least of all him. He quietly groaned to think of some of what he'd confessed to that book, and felt Cory sweetly lay a kiss on his temple to comfort him.

"Sorry," Shawn mumbled.

"For what?" Cory asked. "It's okay." Shawn gently pushed away from him, holding himself up on his elbow and resting his other hand on Cory's side.

"How? How is it okay? You're engaged, and now our friendship is weird. That's not what I wanted to happen," Shawn explained.

"How is it weird?" Cory asked innocently. "We both feel the same." Do you, thought Shawn, do you really feel the same way I do? He decided to test him.

"Because it's always weird when friends get into a relationship. There's too much to lose if this doesn't work out."

"We've been together for how long, Shawnie? What's not to work out?" Apparently Shawn was going to have to be a little more blunt.

"What about your fiancee?" he asked. "What if she walked in here right now?" Cory was silent, and his face grew pale. Very slowly, he withdrew his arm from Shawn and shifted backwards on the bed. Shawn watched him and wanted to weep, although he'd known what Cory's answer would be all along. "And that's why I didn't want to talk about it," he said, clenching his jaw. Does he just conveniently forget about Topanga when he's in my arms, Shawn thought. "There are no good answers."

"Shawnie..." Cory sighed, and reached for him again, his hand landing on Shawn's wrist. "Even if I marry her..." Shawn yanked his hand out of Cory's grasp and jumped out of the bed like it was on fire.

"No. I won't be your...side boy..." Shawn declared, the words coming out choppy. "I will not take the scraps that she leaves. I've had the rest of you, now I want the best of you. I don't care if that's not fair. I need all of you, or nothing. I can't go on like this."

"I...I don't know..." Cory said miserably.

"I do. And this is why I haven't talked about it," he repeated. He bent to pick up his journal off the floor, then shoved it into his book bag, which he hoisted onto his shoulder. "I'm going to see if I can stay with Eric and Jack for the rest of the semester." He took a few long strides to the door and was on the other side of it before Cory could formulate a response. He punched it for good measure before he turned away and walked down the hall.

 

Shawn stalked down the hallways of the main building of the school, wanting to break everything in his path, before he settled in the corner of the library he'd found last semester. He opened his journal and started to read, and fought not to rip the pages out. What a fool he was! What an absolute imbecile to let himself care for Cory like that! He'd known there could be no happy ending for him, it had been stupid of him to dream of it. 

"Hey," came a voice, and though he knew it wasn't Cory's, Shawn still irrationally hoped to see him when he looked up. Angela stood there, leaning against the shelf of biology books, taking in the pitiful view that was Shawn Hunter. 

"Go away."

"No." 

Shawn looked down at the floor, snapped his journal shut, and shoved it back in his bag. He thought about just picking up his stuff and evacuating his spot but he figured she'd follow him. He didn't have the energy for that.

"I saw you punch your door and storm away. Care to share what's going on?" she said gently.

No, was the answer Shawn wanted to give. But her making him remember punching the door also made him remember Cory's face just before he'd slammed that door, and he suddenly had to blink at the wet heat in his eyes. Angela was next to him in an instant, settling herself on the floor at his feet. 

"Shawn, talk to me." She rested her hand on his knee. "You need to talk to someone."

"That's what everybody says, but I always get shit on when I do," Shawn said bitterly. He wondered for a moment if he had talked about things when Cory had tried, back in Vermont that morning, would anything be different? How could it have been? 

"Did you and Cory have a fight?" Angela asked, and Shawn heaved a sigh and broke down, telling her about what had just happened. He did have to admit, it was nice to share this burden with someone, even if they couldn't do anything, even if they were the last person he should be telling, because he had done the same thing to them that Cory was doing to him. 

"How are you okay with this?" he caught himself and asked. "Doesn't it bother you that it's not you?" She thought for a second before answering.

"It might bother me if I couldn't see the bond between you two since I've known you. I've always known that anyone who tried to compete with him, as far as being the most important person in your life, would lose. And I care about you, Shawn, but I can't get in the way of a bond like that. He has more right to you than I ever would." Shawn scoffed at that.

"Not anymore he doesn't," he paused. Then, "I can't believe I screwed up sixteen years of friendship." 

"I'm sure you didn't."

"I had to get my stupid feelings involved. So yes, I screwed it up. I can't handle being around him if..." He tried to swallow the lump that had grown in his throat but it wouldn't go down.

"If you're not with him," Angela softly finished for him. Shawn squeezed his eyes shut tight. It sounded so...so...so vulnerable. How had Cory turned him into this? Shawn couldn't imagine Cory not being in his life, it already felt like he was missing a limb and several major organs. But he would have to learn to survive; there were other people to make friends with, he was young and in college, surrounded by peers.

"I hate myself," he blurted. Angela grabbed his hand and gripped it, hard. 

"Don't you dare," she commanded him. "You didn't do anything wrong. You cared for him. You fell in love. You said he loves you too."

"Not enough though, I guess," Shawn muttered. "Not more than her." Angela studied him closely.

"Would you want him to leave her?" she asked. "If you could have anything you wanted, would you want him to leave her and be with you?"

"No," he said automatically, "They-" and he stopped. It was time to stop lying to himself. "Yes," he said in a small voice. He felt defeated for admitting it, and he wished he could just crawl into a hole and hide from the world. It felt like he was betraying Cory by saying it, like after wishing someone well for years he'd suddenly revealed he really wanted them to die.

"I know it's not going to happen, though," he continued. "I've known that all along. That's why I didn't do anything about it."

"So you never tried, but yet you think you know the outcome," Angela said.

"I do know the outcome. You know them pretty well, there's no way those two are ending in anything but marriage."

"What if you've just been telling yourself that because it's safer?" she asked him.

"Huh?" He looked at her through squinted eyes.

"Shawn, I know you pretty well, too. And I know you're scared of commitment. Now, Cory doesn't represent commitment to you because you've just been friends with him for years. But if you take it to the next level, it scares you. So you've convinced yourself there's no way it could happen." Shawn chewed on his lip. Maybe she wasn't wrong.

"But it's Cory and Topanga," he stressed. "They've already broken up, a few times, but they always get back together."

"And who helped them?" Angela pointed out. "Who pushed them to? Would they have without your help?" Shawn really didn't know, thinking back on it. He really had thought they were done after the Lauren thing, even if he'd never admitted it to Cory, and he'd had to work pretty hard to glue them back together. He of course knew it wasn't solely on him, but he'd had to do what he could to keep things the same as what he'd always known, familiar and safe. But something had changed in Vermont; something had been unleashed that Shawn couldn't control, and it threatened the dynamics with his friends completely.

"Look, none of us know what the future holds, especially right now," Angela continued. "Don't burn any bridges is all I'm saying."

"What if I need to?" Shawn asked.


	15. Chapter 15

Jack and Rachel weren't thrilled about letting Shawn crash at their place, he could tell, but Eric stood up for him, even offering him his sleeping bag and a spot on his bedroom floor. Shawn appreciated it, but he was fine with the couch. It was a longer walk to work, he remembered when he got back to the apartment, and he'd have to get up earlier every day to make sure he had all the day's stuff he'd need with him. But he was used to living out of a bag, and it was only for a few weeks till the semester was over; he could do this.

"You and Cor must have had quite the falling out," Eric said as Shawn brought more of his stuff over. He'd asked Angela to go into the dorm room and grab his things, so he could avoid Cory. She'd given him a look but she'd done it, bless her.

"Yeah well, things change," Shawn said vaguely, and thankfully Eric didn't question anything. Of course Shawn had not given any of them the whole story. There was a question in the back of his mind of if he should have run here, with Eric being Cory's brother and asking for help from him if he was no longer going to be friends with Cory. But Shawn's brother was here too, even if he didn't want Shawn here, so he figured he had a right to ask. Again, it was temporary. Next semester he could get a new roomie in a new dorm.

Two days after their fight, Shawn braced himself to see Cory in their shared English class. He'd managed to avoid him on campus so far, and he knew this was going to be tough. He delayed as long as he could and hoped there would be a seat left in the back so he didn't have to sit in the one he usually did next to him. Shawn's eyes went to Cory's chair as soon as he stepped in the room, but he wasn't there. Thinking Cory was just going to be late, Shawn slunk to one in the back corner. As the class started and completed, though, Cory didn't show up. The professor was announcing what their final papers were going to be on, and Shawn, unable to not look out for his friend, even if he couldn't be friends with him, took an extra copy of the handouts.

He left class, trying to keep his head down in case he passed Cory. This was going to be a long few weeks. Topanga was waiting for him around the corner of the hall, and he almost walked into her.

"Shawn," she said sharply. "There you are." He looked up from the floor into her wide eyes, and wanted to bolt. He thought about it, but there were too many people going through the halls between classes at the moment. Topanga put her hand on his elbow and guided him against the wall. He was trapped. Guilt, for cheating with her fiancee, anger, for her being in the way, and fear, of what she may know, all battled within Shawn as he looked at her innocent face.

"Are you okay?" she was asking him.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he mumbled, and cast an eye over the heads of the people passing by. Maybe he could still make a break for it. He felt jumpy as hell.

"Shawn," she stated again, and he looked back at her in spite of himself. He realized, especially with that tone in her voice, that she was not going to let him go without saying whatever it was she had to say. Once she could tell she had his attention back, her expression softened again.

"I don't know what's going on between you and Cory, but I've never seen him like this. I know you guys had a fight, and I know you moved out of the dorm, but he won't talk to me. I'm worried about him. He hasn't made any classes in two days, and this late in the semester that could really screw him up. I go over there and try to talk to him, and he just lays in bed. He won't tell me what happened and I don't know what to do." She looked on the verge of tears, and Shawn's heart almost went out to her. Almost. He thought of Cory not getting out of bed and being miserable, and he wanted to feel bad, but then he remembered Cory pulling away from him on that same bed. He'd made his decision, and whatever he was going through now was his responsibility. And it was Topanga's job to figure out how to comfort him and fix it for him. Cory had chosen her.

"We did have a fight. We're no longer friends," Shawn told her, ignoring how the words cut as he said them. Topanga's eyes went wider than he'd ever seen, and it almost looked as if she might drop her books.

"How?" she whispered. Shawn gave a hard shrug.

"Things change," he summarized.

"I was really hoping you could talk to him, even if you're mad at each other," she pleaded. "Please?"

"You're the one that's going to marry him. Maybe it's time for you to figure this out." Shawn sincerely hoped that didn't sound too harsh. He didn't hate her but he needed to get away. From the whole situation. He'd decided it was time to save himself.

"I'm sorry, Topanga," he said more gently, apologizing for more than she could know. He suddenly remembered something and handed her the extra copy of the English assignment. "Make sure he gets that," he said, and slipped away. As he left her standing there, he realized it could be that easy; just walk away. Claim all of it as not his problem anymore and be free. He felt a strange mixture of relief and sorrow as he went to his next class.

That weekend the trio at the apartment threw a party, and Shawn came back there from work unable to get to the bathroom for a shower. Screw this, he thought, and went back to the dorms to clean up. Knowing he wouldn't be able to sleep on the couch there that night, he sneaked down to the student lounge and slept the best he could on the sofa there. It was a good thing he was used to feeling homeless. He woke up to Angela handing him a cup of coffee.

"Thanks." He took it gratefully. He had about three projects to work on and he'd have to go back to the apartment to get his school stuff to bring it back here to the library. He hadn't thought about it last night, just wanting to get away from the noise and needing to shower.

"How long you going to go on like this?" Angela asked, as levelly as she could.

"It's just a few more weeks," Shawn said solidly. He had the thought to ask her if she knew how Cory was, but he would not.

When his coworkers asked him to join them for midnight bowling after they got out of work, Shawn jumped at the chance, although he already couldn't stop yawning by the time the shift ended. It was great to get out and do something other than study and write and work. And it turned out that he wasn't bad at bowling, for his first time. The comradery that he was building with his fellow workers also felt good, and proved to him that he was capable of making new friends. What if he'd just stuck with Cory so long because he was afraid of feeling rejected by everybody else? He'd been passed over by a lot of people in his life, his own mother at times among them, but maybe this was the start of something better. He caught one of the waitresses, Trina, who was at least twenty-two, smiling at him. Shawn Hunter might be okay.

He finally saw Cory in the hallway on the way to classes Monday morning. He looked like hell; he was wearing pajamas to class, which he never did, he was pale, and he seemed like he'd lost weight. Shawn's heart clenched involuntarily at the sight of him, then he turned away. Cory was strong, he'd be okay, he told himself. But as he took his seat in world literature and brought out his Shakespeare notes, Shawn remembered that every time Cory had been sick or down in the dumps, he'd needed to be coddled to get over it. Wasn't Topanga doing her job?

English class the next day was difficult. Shawn made sure that he sat in the back again, leaving Cory next to an empty seat. He tried to ignore how alone the curly headed young man looked. He couldn't see Cory's face but he did watch to see that he turned in the latest assignment to the teacher. Part of him wanted to take that empty seat, to see the devastation up close, and maybe try to put a smile on that face. But that was not his place anymore, he reminded himself, and quite possibly Cory wouldn't want him to anyway. That was a hard thought to hold onto, however, as Cory kept shooting glances around the classroom, seeming like he was looking for something or somebody. Just a few more weeks, Shawn told himself for the fiftieth time.

In the absence of a dorm room to go to and the library closing at six in the evening, Shawn had taken to spending a lot of time in the student lounge after hours. The custodial staff knew him by now and since he just sat there with his coffee and his books, they didn't care. It was peaceful there this late, there were usually coals glowing in the fireplace and it reminded Shawn of that restaurant in Vermont that... He tried to block out the memories, but it was difficult. That had been the best time of his life. Unfortunately, it had set him up for one of the worst, and he was still going through it. He watched the embers hold the heat, the fire still inside of them, muted but showing in the bright orange and red coals. He should be working on something but it was too easy to relax and get hypnotized sitting next to the fireplace with the lights low.

He didn't even hear the door open and close but he sensed someone standing there a few feet from him. Hoping they'd just go away, he tried to get lost again in the thoughts he'd been having of a cabin in the woods and a fire burning cozily, with all the time in the world to write whatever he wanted. The person sat down on the other side of the bench in front of the fireplace, and Shawn valiantly tried to still ignore them. Whoever it was, he supposed they had a right to be here too.

"You going to just ignore me like that?" The interloper's voice broke the peace. "I guess I don't really blame you." Shawn's heart sped up and his palms were immediately sweaty. He fortified himself with a deep breath before he allowed his head to lift and turn.

He had been able to shower and get dressed today at least, Shawn noted. He would have to go and wear that dark green sweater that he looked so good in. But his face was still pale, and there was a haunted look to his eyes that in all the years of knowing him, Shawn had never seen. It was unnerving to have those eyes trained on him, like a puppy that had been kicked and was looking to him for salvation. Shawn told himself to be strong, he'd made progress this past week and he didn't want to lose that; he couldn't afford to.

"You don't...want...to see me at all, do you?" Cory asked, shrinking even more. Shawn looked away, at the floor, then back up at Cory, then away again before he answered.

"It's just that I think maybe it's better if we don't," he replied.

"How am I supposed to do that?"

Shawn was about to say, as strictly as he could, that it was easy, they'd managed it so far, but then Cory added, "When all I can see is you." Shawn closed his mouth. He was back to looking at the coals and now he crossed his arms against his front to try to ward off the swarm of emotion coming from the other boy. He could not fold, he could not. Down the bench, Cory continued, "Every time I close my eyes, every time I open them, every time I look around the dorm, every time I lay in bed, every time I do anything, all I see is you."

Shawn bit the inside of his cheek to keep from snidely remarking, "Well, maybe you should get your eyes checked then," but it didn't work. He realized it had still come out when he heard a hard exhale leave Cory's lungs. He finally looked up at him again to see his ex friend's lips and eyes both pressed tightly shut and his brow scrunched. He'd folded his arms in front of himself as well, and it seemed like he was trying to hold himself together. The two boys sat there for a few moments on opposite ends of the fireplace, bodies mirroring each other. Shawn didn't want to stare, but he couldn't help watching Cory's pain. Why was he here? What was he trying to prove?

Eventually Cory's face relaxed a bit and he opened his eyes to the dark haired boy studying him. Shawn wanted to look away, but he couldn't. Sixteen years of friendship and the strongest love he'd ever known wouldn't let him.

"Cor," he said, helplessly. He didn't know what he could do for him without losing himself. Cory's arms unfolded and he gripped his knees for support instead. He took in a deep but shaky breath.

"I don't know how to live without you, Shawn," he began. "I really don't. You know me better than anyone, and I- I love you. I love you more than anything. This past week has been...hell." He brought his palm to his face, rubbing his temples and covering his eyes for a moment. He ran his hand the rest of the way down his cheeks, making him look even more gaunt. His hand came to rest on his shoulder, his arm crossing his chest, half hugging himself.

Shawn sucked on his bottom lip thoughtfully, taking this confession in. He could feel his sturdy walls that he was trying so hard to keep in place crumbling. Could he really make himself not love this boy? This boy who knew _him_ better than anyone, who had stuck his neck out for him more times than Shawn could count, who Shawn had been attracted to since he was at least twelve, who he'd finally, _finally_ gotten to kiss and hold? This boy who was sitting across from him, serving his heart up on a platter and trusting Shawn not to crush him. His eyes said it all; the pain that Shawn saw etched there broke him. Cory needed him. But Shawn needed himself too, and he had proved that he couldn't afford to just keep giving to Cory. His emotional resources were not infinite.

"Cor," he sighed, "I can't...I can't do it." His head slowly shook back and forth. "I can't stay friends with you and go on like this. It hurts me too, trust me. But it hurts a whole lot more to be around you and know how we both feel and not be able to do anything about it." His eyes went back to the coals. They were safe and warm.

"Why can't we do anything about it?" Cory asked, his voice desperate. Shawn looked back up at him. He wanted to shake him like he had during their fight. He felt the frustration rise.  
"Because you're engaged!" he practically yelled. "Her name is Topanga! You're in love with her and you're meant to be together forever!" Cory could be dense, he knew this, but this was wearing him to the end of his patience.

"What if we're not?" Cory replied and gazed at Shawn steadily.

"What if you're-? What?" Shawn spit out. "Of course you are."

"Who says?" Cory challenged.

"Everyone," Shawn said. He paused, trying to think of a more specific example. "Her, for one thing."

"Exactly," Cory said, one side of his lips pulled back in a "yeah, that's what I thought" expression. "But it's my life too." Shawn was struggling to understand.

"What are you saying? That you don't want to marry Topanga? You love her. You've always loved her."

"I love you more, Shawnie," Cory confessed, his gaze intense on Shawn's face. "I always have. And if it's a choice between you, I choose you. You're the one I can't live without." Shawn concentrated on breathing very slowly, his eyes glued to Cory's. He felt the ground beneath him shifting, everything he knew about to slide off the edge. "I'm sorry about the other day, about saying I didn't know," Cory was continuing. "I needed some time. It was just- the idea of really being with you wasn't real until then and I kind of freaked out. I would love to be with you. Forgive me." Cory's head dropped, his gaze falling to the floor as if these words had taken all the strength out of him.

Shawn wondered if his outside was trembling as much as it felt like he was on the inside. The idea of being with Cory, of being his...boyfriend...staggered him; the chance that the fantasies he'd had over the past few months could come true left him speechless. He thought of Cory being his, without Topanga in the picture, all his, all the time. Angela had been right- the thought scared the ever living hell out of him. How did he know he could live up to what Cory needed and deserved? Especially when all he'd done this past week is hurt him? Shawn lifted himself up and finally went to Cory, straddling the bench in front of him.

"Cor, I'm sorry too," he said, "I shouldn't have shut you out. I just...couldn't deal...unless you could be all mine." Cory lifted his head and fixed Shawn in his stare.

"No, it's the best thing you could have done. I was so used to having you around, I'd never stopped to think what it would be like if you weren't. And I discovered that I never want to live like that again. I'm yours, Shawnie, all yours," he spoke the words that were sweet music to Shawn's ears. "If you'll have me," he added in a small voice. His hand came to rest tentatively on Shawn's thigh, asking. Shawn grabbed it and held on for dear life. The last time they'd held hands had been Vermont. He saw the light begin to come back to Cory's eyes. Shawn still had misgivings though.

"Are you sure, Cor? Really sure? I mean, you know me, I'm pretty messed up. I run away instead of dealing with things, I even did it to you." Shawn sighed. How could Cory count on him?

"That was my fault though," Cory replied. "I do know you, and I want every bit of you. You're not messed up, you're just you. It's fine if you need to run away sometimes, as long as you can promise that you'll always come back to me." Since that's what Shawn had been doing most of his life already, this didn't seem like an unreasonable request. He nodded, and felt Cory squeeze his hand tighter in response. Here he was again, knowing exactly what he needed.

"Cor," Shawn choked out and leaned forward, overwhelmed by all the emotions that had been running through him since their trip. Cory caught him, sliding as close to him as their positions on the bench would allow. Shawn felt a soothing hand on the back of his neck as his forehead sunk onto Cory's shoulder. He burrowed his face into the side of Cory's neck, relishing the shower fresh smell of him, and grabbed onto his other shoulder with his hand that wasn't holding Cory's.

"Shawnie, oh my Shawnie," Cory soothed him, but with a suspicious hitch in his own voice.

"Is this really happening? Is this real?" Shawn asked. After everything, he was still scared to hope.

"This is real," Cory confirmed, and to seal it, he pulled back from Shawn enough to catch his mouth in a kiss that they lost themselves in. They didn't need anything else right then; just being there with each other, discovering the truth and exploring what that meant.

In a little bit, from where his head rested against Cory's chest, Shawn had to ask, "What about her, though?"

A slight pause, then, "I'll tell her tomorrow. For now let's go back to our dorm room. I've missed you."


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! Except there will be an epilogue shortly :)

The next afternoon, once classes were over, Cory and Shawn approached the girls' dorm room, both nervous. All through classes that day, Shawn had been jumpy and distracted, worried that last night had been a dream and that when he saw Cory later, things would go back to how they had been and he'd have to give him up to Topanga again. But when he got back after his last class of the day, Cory had been waiting for him with a big kiss and he had asked him to come with him to talk to Topanga. Shawn wasn't sure how he felt about being there for this conversation, but he would have followed Cory to ends of the earth if he'd asked him to, and he supposed since he'd stolen the girl's fiancee, he had some responsibility to fulfill.

Topanga called out, "Come in," at Cory's knock. Cory and Shawn shared a look and strengthened their grips on each other's hands. That grasp said, "Whatever happens, we'll get through this together." Cory turned the doorknob. Topanga lay on the bed, belly down and book open in front of her. She looked up and when she saw who it was, a big warm smile grew on her face and she got up to give Cory a hug. He accepted it but did not release Shawn's hand.

"It's so good to see you up and about!" she said with obvious relief. "And you two together again," she added, looking at Shawn happily. Only then did she seem to notice that the two boys' hands were clasped, and a bemused expression grew on her face. A cute temporary quirk, she no doubt was thinking. Angela was sitting at the desk, papers strewn about, watching this interaction.

"Yeah," Cory got out, and Shawn could tell he was about ready to have a stroke. He pulsed his hand against his tightly a couple of times to ground him. "Angela," Cory started, looking over at her, "I'd like to talk to Topanga in private. Well, we would. Would you mind-"

"Actually, I'd rather she stay," Shawn broke in. "If that's okay." He looked away from Angela and her careful expression that said she knew what was happening.

"Um, okay," Cory granted, Shawn looking into his eyes and telling him that this was the right course. 

"What's going on?" Topanga asked now, her curiosity peaked and her brow slightly furrowed. Her smile hadn't completely faded yet, and Shawn decided to try to remember her this way, before they destroyed her world. He waited for Cory to speak, praying he'd have the courage. He had to be the one to say it.

"Topanga, I..." he faltered, looking at her. She and Shawn and Angela waited for the next words, each apprehensive in different ways. "I can't be with you anymore," he finished the sentence clearer than Shawn thought he might. He squeezed his lover's hand again to lend him strength. He knew this would be one of the hardest things that Cory would ever do, but he had assured Shawn last night that this was what he wanted, and the way he had held Shawn had proved it. This seemed like the natural end of an era, but that didn't mean it wasn't difficult.

"What?" she said, not surprisingly. Her smile still hadn't fully disappeared. 

"I can't be with you anymore," Cory repeated, his voice still stable, "I still care about you and I always will, but there's somebody else..." Now the smile was gone, and anger and disbelief warred on her face for a moment. She finally looked down at Cory's and Shawn's hands, the fingers intertwined, and really saw them. She looked back up, at Cory's face, then to Shawn's, then back to Cory's.

"What?" she said again. Clearly this was beyond her comprehension, not that Shawn could blame her.

"I'm in love with him," Cory said simply, and Shawn's heart melted like it always did when Cory said that word concerning him.

"That's ridiculous!" she said. Then, in a flatter tone, "You're serious," as Shawn moved closer into Cory, their shoulders brushing. She just stared at them for a few moments, speechless, like she was still waiting for the punchline.

"Well, it's about time," Angela's voice came from the corner, and she moved forward to join them in the center of the room. Topanga turned to her, eyes wide. Angela stoically ignored her friend and kept focused on Cory and Shawn. "You two do make such a cute couple." Cory grinned sheepishly and Shawn blushed a bit. It was one thing to know how they felt behind closed doors, but to have people start to see it...

"Cory!" Topanga exclaimed. His grin disappeared. "Are you guys for real?" Her eyes were wide and she was starting to look upset.

"Completely real," he told her, gently but steadily. "I am sorry. I just can't go on denying things."

"Denying things?" Her voice rose ever so slightly. "Cory, we're supposed to get married!" She held up her left hand and flashed his grandmother's engagement ring at him like a badge. 

"I know we were," he said, still clutching Shawn's hand, "And I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."

"I don't get it," Topanga muttered. "I just don't get it. Last week you two weren't even talking. Now you're telling me you're in love with each other? Shawn, do you have anything to say?" Shawn jumped to be directly asked, and looked over at Cory for guidance. He just looked back at him with a pleading expression on his face. Shawn breathed deeply.

"Topanga, we love each other," he began. "We always have, and it wasn't my intention to steal him away from you, it really wasn't. We just...realized how we felt."

"What about how I feel?" she said now. She took a step back from the boys, almost into Angela, noticing her for seemingly the first time. "And you!" she said to her. "You should be upset too! Wait, did you know?"

"Why would I be upset?" Angela looked at her quizzically and dodged the question. "Topanga, girl, I love you, but you've been blind if you really haven't seen this happening. Look at them," she said, and did so herself, as if they were two cuddly animals in a zoo. "They obviously care about each other very much. I can't think of anything else that would make Cory leave you." She realized how that sounded only after she'd said it, and winced. Topanga's expression was still shocked, but it was slowly hardening. She stared at Cory, and her eyes became sad.

"You're really...throwing it all away...?" Cory was about to try to respond, with what who knew, but she continued, "Well, you know what? Fine. Fine. I don't need you anyway. I'm only at this school because of you."

"Topanga," Angela tried to calm her.

"No. No. I've made up my mind. This makes it easy. I'm going to Yale and starting all over again. I knew all along that's where I should be. I've been wasting my time here." The tears started leaking out of the corners of her eyes. Shawn sensed that Cory would have liked to go to her and try to comfort her, but instead he leaned into Shawn's side further. If he was harboring surprise that Topanga had pulled Yale out of her back pocket, he wasn't showing it. There was an awkward pause, and Shawn wondered if he shouldn't try to direct Cory to the door when he felt him stiffen next to him and then stand up straighter.

"Wasting your time?" Cory said now, an edge to his voice. "This past year of being here with me has been a waste of your time?"

"Cor," Shawn tried to get his attention, but to no avail. Cory and Topanga were staring each other down now, betrayal and mistrust in both of their eyes. She had folded her arms in front of her and resembled a short, pretty bull with long flowing hair.

"Well, some of us came here to learn. Not just hang out with our friends and pretend to," she dug. "We'd barely been here our first semester when you guys took off for a different state." Shawn hid his grimace at this; did she know that's when things had changed? Not consciously it seemed, because she didn't make mention of it.

"Well forgive me for not being little miss perfect's ideal student!" Cory threw back. He had dropped Shawn's hand in his anger, and Shawn wished he could get it back without being too obvious.

"Maybe if you chose better company it would help..."Topanga said coolly, with the slightest of glances at Shawn. Shawn's lungs filled suddenly, and he bit his tongue. He knew he wasn't the best student, he'd admit that to himself and anyone he came across; he was not ashamed of that. But to make Cory feel bad for his shortcomings: that he had a problem with. However, he also recognized that Topanga had to throw what ammunition she could right now. She was in pain and there was not a lot that was going to make her feel better. She had managed to royally piss Cory off finally, though.

"Shawn is my company," he all but roared. "Don't you ever put him down again." His voice shook on the last words. 

"Hey," Shawn said softly, turning into Cory and putting an arm around his shoulder. Though it made him all warm inside to hear Cory defend him like that, he didn't want to see him, or Topanga for that matter, upset any longer. At first Cory didn't respond, too distracted by his indignation, so Shawn put a gentle hand on his jaw to turn his head so that he had to look at him. Cory yielded, and met Shawn's eyes, begging him to let's go. 

At the same time, Angela was soothing Topanga, which explained why there was no rebuttal from across the room. She got her friend to sit down on the bed, and when Shawn glanced over he could see she was trembling a bit. He quickly looked back at Cory, though he knew he'd seen as well, and turned him around to face the door.

"C'mon," he told him, and Cory allowed himself to be led away. Shawn took one last glance over his shoulder. He and Angela shared a look and a nod of silent agreement that she ended on a warm smile for him. The corners of his lips couldn't help but lift a bit in response. As he walked Cory out the door, Shawn had an irrational urge that he followed through on, and kissed Cory's cheek, hoping that Topanga saw. It was his turn, damn it.

Upon returning to the dorm, Cory stayed silent. Though they both had homework piling up, Shawn led him to bed and sat down with him, keeping an arm around him the whole time. Still not speaking, Cory leaned into him and heaved the deepest, rawest sigh of his life. Shawn tightened his arm around him, and drew them both into a horizontal position to be able to get closer to him. Then Shawn spent all night holding his new boyfriend as Cory clung to him, alternately sobbing, kissing Shawn, and sleeping.

 

 

In the following weeks, Shawn kept Cory as motivated as he could while still holding up his own classes. He didn't want to see either one of them slip now; they'd come too far. As much as he hated to stop Cory when all Cory seemed to want to do was make out with him, Shawn would usually take the high road and direct them both back to their studies.

This was surely a time of adjustment for both of them. Shawn was thankful he could retrieve his things from the apartment and move back into the dorm room, but he still tried to give Cory space when he seemed like he needed it. He knew feelings don't just die overnight, and though Cory gave no indication that he regretted his decision, Shawn could tell losing Topanga was taking its toll. If they hadn't been friends for so long first, Shawn could have been resentful, but as it was, he was the model of patience and understanding. After all, Cory was holding him every night, and kissing him good morning every day. If it weren't for the stress of finals, Shawn would think he'd died and gone to heaven.

Through Angela, Topanga apologized for her harshness that day, though she was unable or unwilling to talk to Cory and Shawn directly. She wouldn't even look at them when passing them in the halls or in classes. All Shawn could do was hope that time would mellow the hurt feelings. He resolutely refused to feel bad or guilty about the situation. Cory was his and that wonderful knowledge blocked out most everything else.

Shawn's happiness found its way into his final essays and projects, and he got A's on most of his classes. Cory fared reasonably well, even ending up passing intro to algebra. He did notably better with his history exams and last English paper. There were end of semester parties happening all over campus on the last day of finals, but Shawn and Cory decided to go for a walk in the springtime warmth and then cuddle up afterward and talk about the future instead. Mr. Matthews was coming to get them in the morning, and their stuff wasn't packed yet, but they didn't care. They were young, free from stress for the time being, and knew how to hold each other just right.

The next day they made themselves get up extra early to start gathering their things. They'd hardly slept. Cory carefully took down the moose picture that he'd hung up next to his bed and wrapped it in some of his clothes, but not before staring at it for a moment.

"That trip to Vermont was the best thing I've ever done," he told Shawn suddenly.

"Oh yeah? Why's that?" Shawn asked. Of course he knew, but he wanted to make Cory say it. Cory tilted his head at him affectionately and smiled.

"Cause it gave me you," he said, then crossed the room to where Shawn was cleaning out the desk, making sure to pack his journal safely. Cory placed his hands on Shawn's waist and drew his boyfriend closer to him. His dad might come through the door at any moment, and Shawn was surprised that that didn't make Cory hesitate in the slightest to capture Shawn's mouth in a deep kiss. He would never get tired of this, he thought, as Cory pulled back and gazed at him warmly.

"Hey, if this is what graduating high school gets me, I can't wait to see what graduating college might reward me with," Shawn teased, thumbs rubbing circles on Cory's hips.

"We'll just have to see, won't we," Cory said, giving Shawn a wink and a cheeky grin as he turned back to finish packing.


	17. Vermont Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Had to get a glimpse of where our boys end up in a few years :)

The fire had burned down halfway already, though it hadn't felt like that long since Shawn had thrown wood on it. The small cabin was still warm and cozy, however, even with the snow piling up outside. Shawn stretched his arms for a minute, unwilling to actually get up from his comfy position in the armchair. As he felt the delicious soreness in his shoulders from splitting logs earlier that day, Shawn took the opportunity to be back in his head and out of the book he was writing to wonder if everything was ok. Shouldn't he be here by now? Then he heard the slam of a car door, the crunch of footsteps, and the door opened to the sight of his beloved knocking the snow off his boots. 

Shawn's eyes met Cory's from across the room, and the immediate warmth between them rivaled the flames'. Now he was willing to stand up and prepared to do so as Cory came closer, to welcome him with a hug. Before he could, however, Cory had bent down and picked up Smoky from where he was curled up in front of the fire, nuzzling his face into the long, thick grey fur. He even kissed the cat's white nose, while Shawn looked on bemused and maybe just a little jealous.

"I missed you, Smoky," Cory told him, and released him just before he was about to start to squirm. Then Cory finally turned to his lover.

"I've missed you, too," he told him, and held his arms out. Shawn gave him a playfully annoyed look but got up to embrace him. "That's always a lonely drive without you," Cory added, and Shawn hugged him tighter. It had only been a week since they had seen each other, and Shawn loved his solitude up here and the time alone to write, but it still always felt like a lifetime when they were apart. Besides, Cory gave the best hugs. He was stepping back from him now with a twinkle in his eye. He brought his hand up and scratched at Shawn's soul patch goatee.

"Growing it back, huh?" he asked.

"Oh, you know it's hot," Shawn teased, "Besides, if you can grow one, I can too." In truth, he really liked Cory's carefully trimmed facial hair, except when it tickled some of his more sensitive skin. Actually, in total truth, he really liked that too. Cory shook his head at him and then glanced around the room with a sigh. There were coffee mugs and paper plates covering most of the coffee table and some nestled into the corners of the couch. 

"How long would you be able to sustain yourself up here if I didn't follow you?" Cory asked. "I bet the fridge is about empty too." Shawn pulled Cory back towards him.

"I know you'll always follow me, so I'll never have to answer that." He stole the kiss that he'd been waiting for since his boyfriend had walked in, deepening it almost immediately. It was so good to see him and hold him again. They didn't get enough time together since Cory had started his teaching job at the school six months ago. 

Cory gently pulled away, saying, "Enough of that for now." Shawn began to pout, sticking out his lower lip, knowing Cory usually had a hard time not being affected by that. But he just laughed lightly at him.

"Help me get the groceries out of the car and let me make some dinner, and then we can see," Cory told him. Shawn's attention was diverted.

"Ooh, what's for dinner?" he asked excitedly, remembering that he was hungry.

"How about your favorite? Mac and cheese and hot dogs?"

Shawn grinned wide and interrupted Cory putting his boots back on to grab him in another hug.

"I love you, Cor. You're the best!" Cory grinned back at him as they ventured out in the snow to unload the car. Shawn picked up his mess in the living room and built up the fire while Cory made dinner. They settled into the couch to eat, Smoky on one arm, begging for hot dogs that Shawn snuck him tiny bits of.

Cory filled him in on news from the Matthews clan back home. Josh was doing well in third grade and Morgan was most likely planning on going to Pennbrook. His parents were good, and the store was still successful. It turned out that Eric had a strong business sense that got a chance to flourish when he dug his heels in and partnered with his dad. Lonnie had come back there to work after her divorce, and Cory shared that she and Eric were spending a lot of time together with her young son. 

Shawn told Cory that he'd recently gotten a letter from Angela. She was currently in Brazil, acting in a supporting role on a soap opera and loving it. She said to tell Cory hi. He'd also heard from Mr. Feeny, who was trying to get his most recent book distributed down in Florida, where he'd "retired". They both knew that man would never stop being active, as he was also in constant correspondence with Cory, there for him with any questions he might have about being in charge of a classroom, which was a lot.

"I talked to Topanga," Cory said carefully then, when all their other friends had been caught up on. 

"Yeah?" Shawn asked casually, and meaning it. He knew that Cory thought it bothered him when the two of them interacted, but it truly didn't. In all these years so far, Cory had never given him reason to be jealous or to think that he would return to her. He treated Shawn with only the deepest of devotions, a fact that Shawn thanked his lucky stars for every day.

"She just won this huge case against the biggest plastic manufacturer in Philly," Cory announced, clearly happy for her.

"Good for her!" Shawn said, sincerely happy as well. "I knew she had that one and was working on it for a long time." He could see the surprise in Cory's face that he'd known that. He couldn't help push it a bit further. "That means she can probably get that apartment that she's been wanting overlooking Central Park." Now Cory looked confused that Shawn had known that, and Shawn gave an easy shrug.

"I talked to her a couple weeks ago," Shawn clarified. "We catch up every few months." 

"I'm glad," Cory said.

"She couldn't hate me forever," Shawn reasoned. "Just a couple years."

"She never hated you. She's not like that," Cory reprimanded him.

"I know, I'm kidding," Shawn said warmly. He was glad that both of them had been able to stay friends with Topanga, even if only distantly. They'd spent too many of their formative years together to not keep some of that bond.

The guys took the dishes to the sink, agreeing to do them the next day, and returned to the couch to snuggle and watch the fire. Shawn's head rested in its favorite spot on Cory's chest while he gazed up at the framed picture over the mantle of a bull moose in his prime, a Christmas present that Cory had said needed to hang in the cabin. Shawn felt relaxed and at peace and as blessed as he always did when he got to be with his favorite person. That person's voice broke the cadence of the low crackling of the flames.

"Now, where were we earlier?" And his arms urged Shawn up closer to him so he could kiss him long, slow, and deep. 

"Right about there," Shawn breathed when they took a break. He could feel himself growing hard against Cory's leg.

"Easy Baby, I'm tired. I don't know how long I'm going to last," Cory said warningly. Shawn gave him one of his signature wicked smirks.

"You know I can make you last," he purred into Cory's ear, knowing how turned on his own lust could make his lover.

Shawn was rewarded with an, "Mmmm," escaping from Cory's lips. 

"I've been waiting all day to make love to you, Cor. Just lay back and relax." His hands started eagerly exploring Cory's body.

"Shawnie Baby," Cory whispered, and moved his hips into Shawn. That was the permission that Shawn had been waiting for, and he kissed Cory again, relishing the taste of him. The firelight played over their forms as hands slipped underneath clothing and then removed those clothes. Every time they were together, Shawn didn't think it could get better, and then the next time it did, and this time was no exception. They gave all of themselves to each other, holding nothing back, and when their movements slowed, they clung together, not wanting to let that high slip away.

"I love you so much, Cor."

"I love you too, Shawnie."


End file.
